Is Someone Trying to Control You?

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• A husband manipulated his wife by convincing her to doubt herself and instead follow his self-centered thinking so she would do what he wanted. He harangued her until she gave him half of her business within two months of their marriage, he spent her inheritance within one day of her receiving it and more. (Ever hear of gaslighting? The term originated from the brilliant, 1944 movie Gaslight with Ingrid Bergman, which you can watch for FREE here: binged.it/46nGfsI )
• A woman in her 80s controls the behavior of a man, 20 years younger, with whom she shares a platonic relationship. Initially, she rescued him from a bad situation. Later, they decided to pool their monies, and he built a house for them with his own hands. Legally, they own the house 50-50. Seemed like a great idea at the time. Now, however, she controls him by using her illness and insinuations of moving out-of-state to be with and selling her half of the house to her children. He knows they’d sell it. Therefore, he goes along with whatever she wants because her intimidation clouds his ability to believe in himself as well as find an alternative, empowering solution.
• A therapist got angry with her coach, who didn’t buy into her fear-based bullying, because she wanted her views to be validated after a break-up in her relationship. Her manipulative tactics included rants of insulting her, blaming others and mocking her coach… even making fun of her because she was dealing with her own personal aftermath of her town’s catastrophic flood that also produced a severe, physical reaction in her from mold. When her coach didn’t bend to her wishes, the therapist upped the ante by raising her voice, serving one nasty and cheap shot after another, and getting more and more upset. Although it was an uncharacteristic tirade, later she was oblivious of what she did. So ended that professional relationship. If you haven’t guessed it, I was the coach.

When change occurs, some people feel they’re losing control. It can feel as if their very life is threatened, and they’ll do whatever it takes to survive – emotionally or otherwise.

Chances are the perpetrators won’t see or believe what they’re doing!

Stand at arm’s length if you try to tell them lest they throw a punch. Ever hear the adage about not trying to teach a pig how to fly? A pig can’t fly, and you’ll just irritate the pig.

Yes, forgive them for they know not what they do… and take care of yourself! You have a responsibility to be steward of YOUR life.

You have a choice to be a follower of someone else’s fears and expectations, and give away your power in the process, or think for yourself.

You won’t be truly happy unless you follow the rhythm of your own drum.

By avoiding dealing with situations like these (and there are countless variations), you might believe that when the people disappear into the sunset, it will be happy trails forevermore. Not true, until you release the underlying cause.

Unless you address your emotional issues (that you may not realize are the core of the problem), you carry this vibration, these feelings, in your energy field. You’ll attract more of the same type of people and experiences in the future, even if your current situation goes away.

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Why bother dealing with it?

Is it better not to rock the boat?

Avoid conflict?

Life offers you opportunities to grow, release what’s not serving you and be free.

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What should you do? The answer is found within you, as each situation is different.

• Identify what’s happening.
• Then thoughtfully make a decision if it’s better to say something or take another approach.
• How? Release the issue to God and the universe. Let it go.
• Be open to receive. Be alert for guidance, and take action to follow it when it comes.
• There’s always an answer. However, it may not come in the form or timing that you expected.

What does this have to do with you, your life and your goals?

If you succumb to fear by kowtowing to please others, you may end up doubting yourself and being unconsciously manipulated and controlled.

Others will live their dream on the shoulders of you limiting or suppressing yours.

You deserve much more.

Edited Soulgoals’ Blog that was originally posted on June 7, 2016

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Know others who might like this? Please share this blog post.

Ready to reclaim your power and live free?

Contact me to learn how:
virginia@soulgoals.com
http://www.soulgoals.com

I help women to tune in to their true Selves, see clearly and live their personal and professional dreams.

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Copyright © 2023 Soulgoals, All rights reserved.

What Do You REALLY Want?

If you’re thirsty, do you want water or a mirage?

A woman, at a presentation I gave, told me how she was dreading an upcoming holiday.

She and her husband would soon divorce, and he would be with another woman, not with her and the children.

I inquired about their past, holiday celebrations. Were they fun, heart-warming, family times?

Oh no. Those were never happy times. He was usually drunk, and since she became sober, the two of them were even more distant.

What she wanted so dearly wasn’t that man during the holiday but a loving, family gathering.

Yet, she mourned the idea of not spending the holiday together — a lovely idea that didn’t exist at the best of times.

After a brief discussion, she was able to let go of her faulty idea that she’d be missing a wonderful, family experience, one they never had.

When she put this in perspective, her suffering stopped.

Later while in my Soulgoals program, she was able to see more clearly.

Instead of the misery she felt previously, she became happily divorced. She realized she didn’t want a broken family with a person who had neither the interest nor ability to be part of a loving family.

In its place, she designed her ideal, family situation… and manifested it!

Sometimes we get an image of what we think we want and try to superimpose it on a current situation; we try to make it work — even though what’s happening doesn’t match up with what we REALLY want.

Same is true in relationships and business– people fall in love with an idea instead of the actual person or livelihood.

How can you know what you really want?

In my Soulgoals program, I make the distinction this way:

“The soul of your goal satisfies the true intention of your objective. You feel fulfilled and happy when you achieve a goal that has the essence of what you choose and frustrated or disappointed when you don’t.”

Soulgoals: A step-by-step system to live your dreams – even if you failed before, lost hope, are afraid, stuck or confused

Mirages are illusions that look real but ultimately are unfulfilling. They only will frustrate and disappoint when you get closer to them and see them for what they are.

A definition of mirage is something that appears real or possible but in fact isn’t actually so.

Often people chase mirages because they convince themselves they’re the real deal. Mirages can look like water. People need and want water. So they declare it’s water even though it isn’t true.

It reminds me of a woman who laughingly commented on her marriage. Prince Charming became Prince Alarming.

People see what they want to see. Most are happy with their illusions until they get close enough to see that the water was just a mirage.

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Here’s why this is good news:

• You can more clearly discern what you really want when you see what you don’t want,
• You can change emotional habits, such as feeling disappointed, depressed, angry, frustrated, worried, stressed or being down on yourself or others about what’s not working. Habits and beliefs are just patterns of thoughts and feelings that can shift.
• You can train your brain to focus on what you really want instead of being fixated on what you don’t want.
• You can learn how to trust yourself and use your feelings as a GPS.
• You can enhance your practice of gratitude. (When I focus on continuous gratitude, no matter what, things always work out!)

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You have power in your clarity.

Even if you realize that what you thought you wanted is out of alignment with what you really want, you can now redirect your focus. Because of your new focus, you can manifest something better than you ever imagined!

By the way, if you think you screwed up and believe beating yourself up will whip you back in shape, think again.

This thinking is a mirage.

Life is designed as a learning experience, which aids your growth. It’s not created with the purpose of disapproving of you. So don’t should on yourself.

It’s all good, including you!

Original Soulgoals Blog was posted on November 27, 2017

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Know others who might like this? Please share this blog post.

Time to let go of the mirages to enjoy the real thing?

Contact me to learn more:
virginia@soulgoals.com
http://www.soulgoals.com

I help women to tune in to their true Selves, see clearly and live their personal and professional dreams.

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Copyright © 2023 Soulgoals, All rights reserved.

Are You Teachable?

A woman I knew took personal, salsa dancing lessons from a friend of mine who was a popular, salsa teacher in town. While the woman enjoyed dancing, she had little dance training nor did she have experience in the rhythm or style of Latin dance.

However, that didn’t stop her from telling my friend how she was teaching her wrong and what the steps were supposed to be. She wouldn’t listen to anything other than what she wanted to hear, wouldn’t see how the dance actually looked other than her impression of how she thought it was supposed to look, wouldn’t talk about anything other than her interpretation of what the dance was.

After a couple of classes, she decided to stop the lessons.

She wasn’t teachable, and she wouldn’t allow herself to listen or learn beyond her preconceived ideas.
 

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Several years ago, another woman was desperate to join one of my mastermind programs. Part of the experience is 1:1 partnering sessions where every couple of weeks team members switch partners.

In the first week, this woman went to each of five team members to share her story.

After politely listening, each member then redirected her attention to solutions. She wasn’t interested.

Her intention was on others hearing her story and feeling validated. Her focus was centered on her confusion, her circumstances and how what she wanted to do wasn’t working, not on getting on track or creating actual results.

Five people called me individually to tell me how they really tried to help her, but she wasn’t open.  Not getting the type of attention she wanted, she left the group after the second week.

“Listen, be teachable. Laugh at good stories and learn to tell them. For as long as you are green, you can grow.”   

Mother Teresa

“Be teachable. That is the whole secret.”  

Vernon Howard

Being heard by others is a gift. Are you also open to receive?

What can you do to be teachable? Choose to be open to the guidance that life brings you moment by moment. Sounds too simple, but your intention will open you to learn.

Are you open to receive ideas and solutions or is your focus on having your story heard? Are you reliving familiar feelings when you repeat your story?

Are you teachable?

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First posted on Soulgoals’ Blog, April 23, 2018

Know others who might like this? Please share this blog post. Ready to receive something better for your life, but you don’t know how? Contact me:virginia@soulgoals.com http://www.soulgoals.com I help women to tune in to their true Selves, see clearly and live their personal and professional dreams.

Copyright © 2023 Soulgoals, All rights reserved.

Does Your Thinking Need a Whack?

Were you thinking, reacting or resisting?

May you enjoy this excerpt from my Soulgoal Missive that I wrote in July 2008, which includes a first date that happened years earlier. Reading it was a good reminder to me about the value of change and how we can resist it. Do you need a whack to your thinking?

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After two years of flying solo following my marital separation, somebody asked me out on a date. I could pick any restaurant I wanted – so off we went to a salsa club to dine and take my second dance lesson.

As our discussion progressed during dinner, the topic of relationships arose. Remember, this was my first foray into the dating arena in many a year.

“No, I didn’t notice the tan line on your ring-free, left hand finger signifying you wear a wedding ring and you’re married,” I said to the “gentleman.”

Did I let this throw me? I made a choice to course correct. I was not willing to let this bozo mar the memory of my first date.

I remained undaunted and had a great night with excellent conversation. Turned out he was a lucid and prophetic dreamer with juicy peeks into the aeries of the dream world.

The next and final time we met, I gave him a book on spiritual dreaming and the number of a therapist.

I could handle change like this, but why did I buck at smaller things?

I picked up a message at 11 PM from my hairdresser, the night before my 10 AM appointment, which informed me she moved.

My monkey mind whined. Instead of her being 45 minutes away, she would be an hour away. Wrong. Travel time was only 35 minutes – and the new place was definitely nicer. Why did she move locations? She needed a change.

Then there was the lawn sprinkler. Not having an automated system necessitated moving the sprinkler several times. A friend bought and installed timers. I graciously accepted them but said to myself, “This is a waste; I have to be outdoors to move them around anyway.” Wrong. They are wonderful.

I changed the way I do things. Now I water automatically and forget about it. Later when I have the time, I water the rest.

If you want something you never have had, you have to be willing to do something you never have done.

We want our lives to be different, but we want things to remain the same. We want others to change so we don’t have to.

We often evaluate our options logically and make a decision based on the best knowledge our minds have to offer. But our thinking is so limited compared to the world of possibilities.

“Discovery consists of looking at the same things as everyone else and thinking something different… Those ideas or situations that cause you to get off your routine paths and ‘think something different’ are whacks to your thinking.” 

Roger von Oech
A Whack on the Side of the Head – How You Can Be More Creative

CHANGE is hard when we say we want it, but we don’t want to change ourselves.

We have to make changes to allow our heart’s desires to enter our lives. If we do not respond to the gentle nudges that always precede a change, the two by four whack eventually will bonk us.

Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to identify where you have been resisting change in your life and look at it from another viewpoint. Take a chance; make a change in your approach.

With a zest for Life,
Virginia

Success Thought

“Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes.
Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly.
Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end.
What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy and strength, if faced with an open mind.
Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.”

Henry Miller

Know others who could use help with change? Please share this blog post. Ready for a change, but you don’t know how? Contact me:virginia@soulgoals.com http://www.soulgoals.com I help women to tune in to their true Selves, see clearly and live their personal and professional dreams.

Copyright © 2023 Soulgoals, All rights reserved.