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My wake up call started by accident, in spite of myself. It was the moment I realized that what I said and the way I said it affected the way other people acted and reacted to me.
The chef in the restaurant, where I waitressed while in college, always intimidated me. If I said, “I’m sorry, I made a mistake,” I became an even greater target for him.
One day I was so busy that I dashed into the kitchen with no time for apologies or excuses. I plunked down a dish of vegetables and said, “I wanted peas not beans.”
Oh, I really didn’t mean to be what I thought of as bossy or imply that he made a mistake. And I really would have given him a story, an explanation about my error, if I had an opportunity. However, “I wanted peas not beans,” were the words that began to change my life.
He thought he was at fault so he didn’t lecture me. He quickly replaced the order, and I had an epiphany. No, it wasn’t to trick people to take the blame for something I did.
I had been setting myself up for him to pick on me, and I didn’t even realize it.
I used to think that if I acted nicer or downplayed myself, then people would respond accordingly. They did – they were at the other end of a seesaw that I created. I was on one side with sweetness, so they balanced me out with anger, control, domination, or intimidation.
Through my lack of self-confidence and under the guise of being nice, I subconsciously tried to manipulate others so they would change their behavior and be nice to me.
It’s a technique that ultimately does not work.
Instead, speaking our truth, coming from the center of our strength, getting out of our “story” and the drama it creates, is empowering. This not only makes life more fun and stress-free, it attracts the people and circumstances needed to accomplish our goals. It’s authentic living. Anything less gives our power away to other people.
We often have so much trepidation about expressing our truth and what we feel inside that we diminish our effectiveness and ourselves. We place a fear filter over every experience – past, present, and future. We no longer see life for what it is. Instead, we warp our perspective and act less than we really are.
I asked participants of one of my success groups about their last year’s goals – what they were and what they actually accomplished.
- A woman had a financial goal that she said she didn’t come anywhere near reaching. An earlier goal was to find the right career. As she spoke, she made herself sound like a failure.
- One by one the team members got into their “story” about how they didn’t do the things they wanted and underplayed their successes. “Yes, I accomplished my year-long goal of cleaning my desk, (giggle) but now it’s messy again.”
(By the way, we saw her results earlier in the year and held a meeting at her house to acknowledge her accomplishment.)
Their inner computers were programmed to make excuses, lack clarity and be afraid to let people know who they are, under the pretext of not wanting to sound like they were bragging.
I gave them a second chance to tell us about their year.
They were to report what happened and speak from the heart without the “story,” be emotionally neutral, and talk from a positive, broader perspective.
- We then learned that even though it was a bad year financially, during the second half she found a career she enjoys. In four months, she earned 65% of her annual income!
- The reason the other member let her desk get messy is that she is so busy surpassing her business goal, which previously she thought was unattainable, that she didn’t have time to clean her desk.
I reminded her that her goal was to clean the desk, not clean AND maintain it. When asked if she wanted to have that as a goal for next year, she said she didn’t feel that having a clean desk is a priority anymore.
This is so different from what they first told themselves and then us. They said it felt very unusual to talk about themselves in a positive, accomplished way.
We’re so trained by society to hide ourselves and the beautiful light we shine. We bury it and forget.
What filter do you use to tell your story about your life, your accomplishments and what you expect for your future? Make yourself the hero/heroine of your dreams.
Your challenge, if you choose to accept it, is to have the courage and confidence to exchange with a friend each other’s successes from last month or last year.
- Speak from your strength using a positive perspective.
- Report on your wins, benefits and lessons learned.
- Talk from your heart without the story, and be emotionally neutral.
With a zest for Life,
Virginia
Success Thought
Be mindful of the words that you use and the actions that you live and who you are and how it is you use your power. In other words, as you say what you say, as you make commitments, as you form the power of your life, keep clear at all times that you are what you say you are, that you put your force behind what you say, and monitor that accordingly.
Gary Zukav, The Seat of the Soul
Virginia Goszewska, the founder of Soulgoals, believes each person and business has a way to contribute to life. The coaching systems she developed that help people find clarity, take action and experience personal and professional success are based on decades of research and experience. As a regional manager with a worldwide, top ten, Inc. 500 company and at top-level executive positions of international corporations, Virginia received awards in sales, training, management and business development. From Southeast Asia to the United Kingdom, people around the world have benefited from her expert coaching, compassionate insights and common sense.
Virginia offers complimentary Break-Free sessions by phone, holds workshops, seminars, team building programs and is a keynote speaker. She can be contacted at virginia@soulgoals.com or (512) 842-1231.
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