Posts Tagged ‘Self-confidence’

I Learned This While Existing in a Living Hell

May 9, 2022

During my twenties, miserable because of a five-year relationship, I had a dream. For years I kept its message on my dresser, although I didn’t know what it meant or how to do anything about it:

 Find the Heart and Rescue It 

He had a Ph.D. in psychology and was a revered member of our spiritual community, which played into why it took me a while to realize I lived with a self-centered, master manipulator who cared only for himself.

He easily saw my vulnerabilities of low self-esteem and self-doubt and how to use them to intimidate me and undermine my self-confidence while bending me to his will.

Although we had been dating long distance, he lived a six-hour drive away, we solidified our legal commitment to be together within three weeks after my father passed away. 

Note: It’s recommended to avoid making big decisions after experiencing a death.

In our second month together, I was bullied to let go of my business and with it my financial freedom. Amongst countless other examples, he listened in on my phone conversations and would scream at me non-stop if I didn’t do what he wanted. He even left me stranded in a southwestern desert at 3 PM in the middle of the summer with no cash or credit cards as he drove away – to return 30 minutes later. 

In our third month together, the stress of what my life had become short-circuited my adrenals, thyroid, blood sugar and more – so I wasn’t able to speak my words in the right order, think well, have physical energy to move and would cry if someone said hello. 

Enabling this behavior was my belief there was something wrong with me. Years later, when I saw the 1944 movie Gaslight with Ingrid Bergman, I recognized that this was what he tried to do… make me believe I was crazy so he could control me.

My unhappiness induced me to question and think. 
 

He insisted his reality was truth, but was it? His created what I called a living hell on earth.

I made a bad choice to be with him, which put me on a sorrowful path. Eventually, I figured out that regardless of how many good choices I subsequently made, I was still on the wrong path. 

I had to listen to my heart, my truth, and not give my power away.
Even if others claimed to know more or be an authority.
Even at the risk of losing my worldly goods. 
Even with my perceived HUMILIATION that, once again, I made a relationship mistake.

Actually, it was my ego’s need to protect this self-image that held me back the most. 

My survival ultimately depended on my ability to listen to my guidance, speak up for MYSELF and not be cowered into obedient silence and submission.

When I got honest with me, changes occurred, which made my exit easy. I packed my car and was gone in three weeks. 

The good news is that this experience taught me to think for myself and not believe others’ so-called authority. I learned to separate what I saw was true vs. what others told me I should believe.

And be the coach I am today.

It’s like the person who says the proverbial, “Yes, I’ll still love you in the morning” … not. Beware: many people lie to get what they want. Many believe their own lies!

What life do you want to live? Are you living it? Are you willing to honestly speak up, at least to yourself, and acknowledge what’s in your heart? 

Don’t wait for permission. It’s YOUR life!

Edited excerpt from Soulgoals’ Blog Post May 8, 2011



If you’d like support
to listen to
your heart and
what to do about it,

contact me
for a complimentary
Soulgoals’ Break-Free Session
by phone.

Email me at:
virginia@soulgoals.com

I work with people who choose to
enhance their lives or share 
their gifts 
in a BIGGER way 
but
don’t know how, feel stuck or could 
use new tools or support.

I help them be richly compensated doing what
they love by connecting with their Soul’s goals.

Copyright © 2022 Soulgoals, All rights reserved.

Guilt, Know-It-Alls, Being #1 and Challenging Times

May 11, 2020

Wire

Are you in a self-imposed prison with freedom in view?

 

Feeling guilty had been drilled into her by her family throughout her life.

It was a way others could control her. If they could disempower her through feeling guilty, she could kowtow to their ways and do and be what they wanted.

Because she was used to feeling guilty, especially when my client became #1 in her territory, business associates and family triggered those familiar feelings.

She felt that she was doing something wrong by being successful.


Unconsciously, here’s the message others sent: if I make you doubt yourself or feel bad about yourself, I’ll bring you down to a place where your success no longer makes me feel uncomfortable. Who do you think you are? What’s wrong with you? Be more like me… and whine about how life’s unfair.


People in her family had jobs. Furthermore, what’s a woman doing being successful and making more money than them, especially in her own business?! They had to work hard in their employment; why should she be any different?

Not feeling good about the price she paid for her success (she received negative input from others), her sales slipped. A part of her was trying to stop being a target that resulted in guilty feelings.

She didn’t realize it was their own jealousy, insecurity, a need to control and their fear and disappointment in themselves for not going after their dreams that were the underlying culprits of others’ manipulative behaviors.

Ever hear of the lobster syndrome or the crab mentality?

When either of these is alone in a lidless container, it can escape.

However, when sharing their enclosure, none can get out because they will be pulled back down, even into boiling water.

In society or business, this can happen when people are bettering themselves and others try to bring them down.

How can they do that? Through guilt, fear, anger, making others feel they’re doing something wrong, shunning, shaming and the threat of being ostracized if they don’t fit in with the community.

Some religions exert control by indoctrinating their followers with the fear of damnation or how their future lives will be affected.

Previously, my client couldn’t stay away from her cell phone out of a concern of missing calls from prospective customers. Her belief was that working hard is the road to success.

So when she fulfilled her goal of a five-week vacation, and still remained #1, it was at the expense of others’ disparaging remarks.

Even though at the top of her game and years away from what most consider retirement age, she couldn’t stop thinking about leaving the business world behind.

She told me about a close friend and business associate. “There’s something about him lately that rubs me the wrong way – so I’ve distanced myself — although we’re working on a deal together. With him, it’s a debate or he knows some expertise about things. He’s done and knows everything.”

She was exhausted by critical people: if it’s not done their way, then in their way of looking at things, it’s being done wrong.

“Because I am surrounded by that thinking and attitude, my cup runneth over with this. My response is to disassociate with people who have these behaviors.”

When I asked where she’s seen those patterns before in childhood, she recalled that her mother and brother had the same habit of being critical know-it-alls. Both parents ruled by creating guilt in others.

We discussed that no matter where you go, there you are. If she continued to react, she’d attract more people who would act the same, wherever she went.

She realized that unless she changed, even if she left her business, she’d continue to run into similar, annoying behaviors from others.


Programmed from childhood, traits like lack of confidence, guilt and worry can prompt you to continue brainwashing yourself with limiting beliefs, even when those who put these ideas in your head aren’t around. 

Don’t listen to your inner, critical voice that bullies you and makes you question your ability to succeed or be happy. It lies.

That nagging voice reflects how the people who told you that nonsense feel about themselves. It’s not about you.

Your true essence guides you with a kind, non-judgmental and supportive voice.


Her insight: this coaching session made her step back and look at the bigger picture.

She realized that she won’t be affected by others when she has a different perspective. And when her buttons are no longer pushed, she won’t attract people who think like that.

By the way, she’s back to being #1 and having her best year ever. Life is more fun, and she feels free now that she no longer reacts to guilt trips and know-it-alls in the way she did before.

You can step out of your self-imposed prison of any limiting beliefs, even if you don’t know what’s holding you back.

Start by having confidence that believing in yourself brings.

Remember, those voices to the contrary are figments of someone else’s imagination that they projected on you.

There are many ways you can feel imprisoned, especially during a pandemic.

But good things can emerge during challenging times.

Freedom and success are yours if you’re open to receive them.

Make the most of this moment. Isolation can give birth to unimaginable heights.


You think you’re challenged? Look at Nelson Mandela’s life (1918 – 2013; passed away at 95):

  • Mandela, as a young lawyer, joined the African National Congress (ANC) in 1944 to advocate for an end to South African apartheid, an oppressive system of government built on racial segregation. 
  • In 1963, he and other cohorts were sentenced to life in prison.
  • He spent 18 years in the cell, seen above, that was 43 square feet.
  • The floor was his bed, and he used a bucket for a toilet.
  • He was forced to do hard labor in a quarry.
  • He was allowed one visitor a year for 30 minutes.
  • He could write and receive one letter every six months.
  • In 1990, having served 27 years in prison, he was released by South African President de Klerk.
  • In 1993, he won the Nobel Peace Prize with de Klerk.
  • Mandela became president of South Africa in 1994.

 

P.S. Know someone who might benefit from this post? Please share.

Think about you on the other side of the pandemic.
Can you see that you’re no longer willing
to put up with the old way you’ve been doing things?
Do you know you can consciously create your life?
If you’d like to learn about a complimentary session so 
you can start fresh, contact me at

virginia@soulgoals.com

http://www.soulgoals.com

I work with people
who choose to share their gifts
or business in a BIGGER way
but don’t know how, feel stuck
or would benefit from new tools
or support.

I help them be richly compensated
doing what they love by aligning
with their Soul’s goals.

Updated from Soulgoals’ Archives posted on November 6, 2017

 

Copyright © 2020 Soulgoals, All rights reserved.

Guilt, Know-It-Alls & Being #1

November 6, 2017

Wire

Are you in a self-imposed prison with freedom in view?

 

Feeling guilty had been drilled into her by her family throughout her life.

When my client was at the top, business associates and family triggered these guilty feelings by their passive-aggressive behaviors. She felt like she was doing something wrong.

Not feeling good about the price she paid for her success, her sales slipped.

People in her family had jobs. Furthermore, what’s a woman doing being successful, especially in her own business?! They had to work hard in their employment; why should she be any different?

She didn’t realize it was their own jealousy, insecurity, a need to control and their disappointment in themselves for not going after their dreams that were the underlying culprits of others’ manipulative behaviors.

Ever hear of the lobster syndrome or the crab mentality?

When either of these is alone in a lidless container, it can escape.

However, when sharing their enclosure, none can get out because they will be pulled back down, even into boiling water.

In society or business, this can happen when people are bettering themselves, and others try to bring them down.

How can they do that? Through guilt, fear, making others feel they’re doing something wrong, shunning, shaming and the threat of being ostracized if they don’t fit in with the community.

Some religions exert control by indoctrinating their followers with the fear of damnation or how their future lives will be affected.

Previously, my client couldn’t stay away from her cell phone out of fear of missing calls from prospective customers. Working hard is acceptable as a road to success.

So when she fulfilled her goal of a five-week vacation, and still remained #1, it was at the expense of others’ disparaging remarks.

Even though at the top of her game and years away from what most consider retirement age, she couldn’t stop thinking about leaving the business world behind.

She told me about a close friend and business associate. “There’s something about him lately that rubs me the wrong way – so I’ve distanced myself — although we’re working on a deal together. With him, it’s a debate or he knows some expertise about things. He’s done and knows everything.”

She was exhausted by critical people: if it’s not done their way, then in their way of looking at things, it’s being done wrong.

“Because I am surrounded by that thinking and attitude, my cup runneth over with this. My response is to disassociate with people who have these behaviors.”

When I asked where she’s seen those patterns before, she recalled that her mother and sister had the same habit of being critical know-it-alls. Both parents ruled by creating guilt in others.

We discussed that no matter where you go, there you are. If she continued to react, she’d attract more people who would act the same, wherever she went.

She realized that unless she changed, even if she left her business, she’d continue to run into similar, annoying behaviors from others.


Programmed from childhood, traits like lack of confidence, guilt and worry can prompt you to continue brainwashing yourself with limiting beliefs, even when those who put these ideas in your head aren’t around. 

Don’t listen to your inner, critical voice that bullies you and makes you question your ability to succeed or be happy. It lies.

That nagging voice reflects how the people who told you that nonsense feel about themselves. It’s not about you.

Your true essence guides you with a kind, non-judgmental and supportive voice.


Her insight: this session made her step back and look at the bigger picture.

She realized that she won’t be affected by others when she has a different perspective. And when her buttons are no longer pushed, she won’t attract people who think like that.

By the way, she’s back to being #1 and having her best year ever. Life is more fun, and she feels free now that she no longer reacts to guilt trips and know-it-alls in the way she did before.

You can step out of your self-imposed prison of any limiting beliefs, even if you don’t know what’s holding you back.

Start by having confidence that believing in yourself brings.

Remember, those voices to the contrary are figments of someone else’s imagination that they projected on you.

Freedom and success are yours if you’re open to receive them.

P.S. Know someone who might enjoy this post? Please share.

 
I work with people, at any age,
who choose to share their gifts
or business in a BIGGER way
but don’t know how, feel stuck
or would benefit from new tools
or support.

I help them be richly compensated
doing what they love by aligning
with their Soul’s goals.

Copyright © 2017 Resolved for Results, All rights reserved.

TIP: 4 Keys to Create Your Best Year Ever

January 5, 2016

New Years - Awesome

Would you love to be a Resolutions Rock Star where your new year wishes come true? Even though University of Scranton research says that only 8% of people achieve success with their new year’s resolutions, you can be part of that number.

Just as each morning offers a fresh start, a new year can inspire you to become who you always wanted to be when you grew up. Or somebody way better and more interesting.

Here are four keys to help you experience the success you richly deserve. Be sure to read to the end about a time-sensitive opportunity, too.

1. Focus on what you choose. The Hawaiian Huna tradition highlights this idea with one of its life principles: energy flows where attention goes. If you focus attention on what you don’t have or didn’t do, who or what’s not working for you, or berate yourself for what you shouldn’t have done (but that yummy dessert was so worth it), you’ll create more of the same. Instead, focus on your goals and feeling good. Achieving small, specific goals, like a target of going to the gym twice a week, can encourage you to keep going for your big vision. Not making yourself wrong can get you further than being disappointed because you didn’t release 30# last week, even though you just set your resolution today. Also, cut yourself slack when the inevitable backslides happen.

2. Let go of goofy ideas that try to seduce you to doubt that you and your goals are awesome. Universal beliefs like “you’re not good enough” (yes, everyone has a variation of that theme playing in their heads) hold you back. Low confidence and limiting  beliefs cause resistance.  A car that’s going for higher performance factors in air resistance, which is basically friction created from moving through the air. Releasing resistance, while moving to your goals, is essential to manifest them. The more you let go of this friction, the easier and more quickly you see results.

3. Create momentum for success. Don’t dwell on silly stuff that gets your you-know-what tied up in a wad. Focus on feelings and thoughts that create good feeling mojo – about everything. This will propel you in a trajectory to turn your dreams into reality. Positive attracts positive. Waiting for circumstances to change before you feel better will only leave you tasting the dust as you watch others zoom by you and succeed.

4. Tap into the infinite power of a mastermind team, and immerse yourself with positive, supportive energy where resolutions turn into results. My Resolved for Results course describes the mastermind as “an energy created when two or more gather in harmony… highly charged energy greater than the mind can conceive. It has the ability and does produce results beyond your wildest dreams. It’s unlimited and often creates in better ways than you could plan. Life flows in your favor naturally and with ease. Plans already in motion come to fruition; new opportunities just happen when they didn’t before. As events unfold, it’s as if you never had any problems to begin with, and you see success is inevitable.”

TIP: 4 Keys to Create Your Best Year Ever

You probably want to make several changes in your life or business. For now, choose one that’s most important to you.  Be sure that your resolution or goal doesn’t include another person without their permission so you don’t infringe on their free will.

Know that if you have an idea, this or something better is available for you. Be single-minded in your focus that you can achieve this. If you believe and then question yourself, you create an energetic wiggle that throws you out of alignment with your goal. This is important.

Treat your goal like a precious gem, and only share it with those who respect it. Refrain from naysayers who offer constructive criticism or are “just telling it like it is.”

If you’re serious about 2016 being your best year ever, there’s a new Resolved for Results course with a dynamic mastermind team starting Sunday night, January 10th.  This time-tested and proven program supports you to apply effectively with ease and grace these four keys and so much more. 

Because meetings are by phone, people from anywhere in the world can call in or Skype.

Bottom line, you’ll experience results as you create your best year ever.

I’m not sure when another team will begin, so if you’re getting nudges that you’re not going to let another year slip by, contact me for a free Do What You Love Break Free Session. You’ll gain clarity and direction as well as evaluate if Resolved for Results can be your springboard to finally make your dreams come true.

If not now, when?

Learn more at www.ResolvedForResults.com .

I can be reached at  vg@ResolvedForResults.com .

May 2016 be your best year ever!