Posts Tagged ‘Melodie Beattie’

How to say NO. Hint: You don’t have to explain yourself

November 29, 2021
Aaaaa, do you see the light when answering NO?

“Watch for any kind of defensiveness within yourself. What are you defending? An illusory identity, an image in your mind, a fictitious entity.”

Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

Many years ago, I saw someone with the habit of needing to explain himself on the game show You Bet Your Life. Long before his scandalous lifestyle was revealed, host Bill Cosby asked a contestant if his mother ever made a certain recipe indigenous to his home country. The guy went into a long harangue ending with his mother didn’t.

Mr. Cosby replied that a simple no would’ve sufficed.


I had a lesson in discernment. I gave fuel for discussion when a simple no would have sufficed.

A friend stumbled with words while asking me for a favor. Actually, I had to state the question because, after telling me a long, explanatory backstory, the favor was implied but never asked.

I immediately knew my answer. However, opting to practice diplomacy and restraint instead of blurting out a flabbergasting, “Are you nuts? That doesn’t work on so many levels,” I said I would get back with my decision.

Later that day, life provided an incident illustrating that to fulfill the request wasn’t a good idea. The next day, while sharing what happened, I segued into declining the request siting my recent experience as an illustration of why I didn’t want to do what was asked.

My answer was challenged. Although I didn’t defend myself, I listened to how a simple “no” would have been okay, but my reason wasn’t acceptable because it wasn’t believed.

It made no sense to elaborate my why because the question wouldn’t have been posed if it were looked at more deeply by her in the first place. A favor was requested, not a dissertation.

Furthermore, experience has taught me that introducing logic when someone is emotional rarely promotes clear communication.

Upon reflection, I learned several lessons.

  1. Keep it simple. If I said, “No, it doesn’t work for me,” I could’ve avoided her rant. There wouldn’t have been fuel for rebuttal.
  2. Use discernment. Historically, my observation of this person’s emotional state in the past was a clue that my decision to explain even a little wasn’t a good call. Additionally, the favor wouldn’t have been asked if this person knew better. To someone closer to me, I might have shared more of my thoughts. Even though life provided me with my validation, I didn’t have to share it.

“Expecting healthy behavior from unhealthy people is futile; expecting different results from the same behaviors, according to Earnie Larsen, is insane.”

 Melodie Beatty, Codependent No More

(Yikes. I would add, we have to admit to ourselves that they have unhealthy behavior. In the past, I often, way too often, choosing to see the best in people, wouldn’t allow myself to see that.)

3. Don’t tiptoe around people’s emotions. I was tired of dealing with anger and sensitivity, so I listened to but didn’t stop the rant. By not drawing the line, I gave away my power to her. Why should I tiptoe around others because they might get upset?  It’s not my responsibility to take care of others’ emotions as long as I’m not dumping mine on them. I didn’t exercise my option to stop the rant and say, “My answer is no, and it’s not up for discussion.”

4. There’s no need to defend my choices and beliefs. On the bright side, I didn’t inwardly react or feel the need to elaborate on my reasoning upon demand. By not reacting, I observed more dynamics of the interaction.

“Even if you don’t hold your ground, moving differently in a relationship is the best way to learn about your own self and the relationship. Only after you begin to change a relationship can you really see it.”

 Harriet Goldhor Lerner, The Dance of Anger

Tired of giving away your power, even though you might
not realze that’s what you’re doing? Contact me at:
virginia@soulgoals.com

I work with people who choose to share
their gifts or business in a BIGGER way
but don’t know how, feel stuck or could 
use new tools or support.

I help them ignite their Soul’s goals
and be richly compensated doing what
they love.

Originally posted as an excerpt from my Soulgoal Missive a long time ago.

Copyright © 2021 Soulgoals, All rights reserved.

Forgiveness and Gratitude Like This WILL Change YOUR Life

November 19, 2018

 

blessings

May you enjoy this season of giving thanks and the sentiments expressed in the reprint from last year’s Thanksgiving post, found after my today’s italicized message to you.

Forgiveness is a powerful tool to help you break free.

We’re rarely angry for the reason we think we’re angry. How dare they!

That feeling is not about the other person or situation being wrong. The emotion triggered may be from a similar, emotional memory or our perception that may or may not be accurate.

Have you noticed how sometimes people can jump to the wrong conclusion and then become upset by their interpretation, even if it’s false?

Regardless if the other was right or actually the wrongdoer, holding on to a lack of forgiveness or a one-sided, limiting perspective can feel empowering. It can feel validating, proof that you’re right and the other is wrong.

The ego loves feeling right.

There might even be another side of the story that you’re not considering because you’re locked into your viewpoint.

Your Essence knows the trap of self-righteousness and sees things differently.

A mother copped an attitude about erroneous, perceived activity by her senior-aged daughter. Rather than talk about it or seeing proof to the contrary, she set a court date. The whole issue could be easily dismissed, but not even going to mediation altered her perspective.

Replacing her anger, frustration, hurt and fear of what her own mother was doing to her, the daughter began to send her mother love, disregarding any unforgiving attitudes. The mother’s now softening and questioning her hardline approach.

Empowerment through shifting your perspective to love and gratitude are more truly empowering than feeling justification through a lack of forgiveness. Maybe there’s another angle you’re overlooking.

Perhaps, given an opportunity, you can clear the energy through discussion or seeing things from another viewpoint.

Even if others are wrong, you can be emotionally free.

With gratitude,

Virginia

The reprinted post:

I rudely interrupted myself while grumbling in my head about things I didn’t like.

It’s when I remembered that I recently found out that three people, who played significant roles in my life, left the planet a few years ago. In addition, at least 56 of my high school classmates passed on.

Yet, I’m still here, and I am gifted with another day to make more mistakes, learn, change, grow, love and Be.

You’re reading this, which means you and I are in the same gifted boat. Even if your life has a few or lots of things going on that make you feel like you’re riding on choppy water, you’re alive. There’s definitely hope. Life can get better and greater.

Here’s how you can turn the tide to flow in your favor even more.

Gratitude is a powerful energy that shifts our focus away from what we don’t have, what’s not working, who done us wrong or who’s missing in our lives, how goofy the world is and everyone’s woeful inadequacies.

When we redirect our attention to gratitude, in spite of appearances that seduce us to believe the opposite, we open ourselves to receive beyond our wildest expectations. The impossible becomes possible.

I wondered how different people and religions value gratitude. With the upcoming American holiday of Thanksgiving, and my interest in sharing this attitude of gratitude with you, here are some quotes I found.

These also reflect why gratitude affects your success, money, relationships, life, health, happiness… and everything! As like attracts like, it’s Law of Attraction at its finest

Be sure to keep reading, because soon I’ll share a way of giving thanks that, when you practice it, WILL change your life.


Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity. It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.“ Melodie Beattie


When I gladden my heart, I awaken the energy of gratitude. It is an energy that elevates and expands, and brings me to a deeper place in my heart. By opening my heart, I can feel gratitude deeply. Gratitude shifts the moment by shifting me. Nothing around me changes; I change.

Things do not create gratitude; the energy of joy inside of me creates gratitude.“  Deepak Chopra

[By the way, just like the sun shines above cloudy skies, underneath the funkiness you might feel at times is joy. Joy is always present; you’ll see it if you choose to look in its direction.]


 
Be not like those who honor their gods in prosperity and curse them in adversity.  In pleasure or pain, give thanks!“ Judaism.  Midrash, Mekilta to Exodus 20.20

 


[Here’s why focusing on what you don’t have creates lack. With gratitude, you focus on what you have.]

For whoever has, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whoever has not, from him shall be taken away even that he has.“ Matthew 13:12, American King James Version


[Look how similar this is.]

“If you are grateful, I will give you more.”  The Koran 14:7


[Don’t wait to be grateful one day of the year.]

And if your gratitude is strong and constant, the reaction in Formless Substance will be strong and continuous; the movement of the things you want will be always toward you…

It is necessary, then, to cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you; and to give thanks continuously.“ Wallace D. Wattles, The Science of Getting Rich


 

What’s the life-changing way to have gratitude?

During a group discussion of the above-mentioned book by Wattles, I suddenly heard this in a new way. It’s not just occasional gratitude; it’s living in a state of gratitude, continuous gratitude.

Gratitude, continuous gratitude, will change your life!

I made a decision for this moment, and then extending it to this minute (more moments), this hour, today, this week, lifetime and beyond, to give thanks continuously.

Will you join me?

I know I will get distracted from my choice to live in continuous gratitude.

However, when I catch myself, I can shift my focus away from lack, my pity pot and what’s not working to being grateful.

It won’t matter how many times I’ll fall off my wagon of continuous gratitude; I can always get back on.

So can you.

Happy Days of Gratitude and Giving Thanks!

 
P.S. Know someone who might enjoy this post? Please share.

I work with people, at any age,
who choose to share their gifts
or business in a BIGGER way
but don’t know how, feel stuck
or would benefit from new tools
or support.

I help them be richly compensated
doing what they love by discovering
their Soul’s goals.

Copyright © 2018 Soulgoals, All rights reserved.

Gratitude Like This WILL Change YOUR Life

November 20, 2017

perspective

I rudely interrupted myself while grumbling in my head about things I didn’t like.

It’s when I remembered that I recently found out that three people, who played significant roles in my life, left the planet a few years ago. In addition, at least 56 of my high school classmates passed on.

Yet, I’m still here, and I am gifted with another day to make more mistakes, learn, change, grow, love, and Be.

You’re reading this, which means you and I are in the same gifted boat. Even if your life has a few or lots of things going on that make you feel like you’re riding on choppy water, you’re alive. There’s definitely hope. Life can get better and greater.

Here’s how you can turn the tide to flow in your favor even more.

Gratitude is a powerful energy that shifts our focus away from what we don’t have, what’s not working, who done us wrong or who’s missing in our lives, how goofy the world is and everyone’s woeful inadequacies.

When we redirect our attention to gratitude, in spite of appearances that seduce us to believe the opposite, we open ourselves to receive beyond our wildest expectations. The impossible becomes possible.

I wondered how different people and religions value gratitude. With the upcoming American holiday of Thanksgiving, and my interest in sharing this attitude of gratitude with you, here are some quotes I found.

These also reflect why gratitude affects your success, money, relationships, life, health, happiness… and everything! As like attracts like, it’s Law of Attraction at its finest.

Be sure to keep reading, because soon I’ll share a way of giving thanks that, when you practice it, WILL change your life.


Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity…. It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.– Melodie Beattie


 

When I gladden my heart, I awaken the energy of gratitude. It is an energy that elevates and expands, and brings me to a deeper place in my heart. By opening my heart, I can feel gratitude deeply. Gratitude shifts the moment by shifting me. Nothing around me changes; I change.

Things do not create gratitude; the energy of joy inside of me creates gratitude. –  Deepak Chopra

[By the way, just like the sun shines above cloudy skies, underneath the funkiness you might feel at times is joy. Joy is always present; you’ll see it if you choose to look in its direction.]  



Be not like those who honor their gods in prosperity and curse them in adversity.  In pleasure or pain, give thanks! – Judaism.  Midrash, Mekilta to Exodus 20.2



[Here’s why focusing on what you don’t have creates lack. With gratitude, you focus on what you have.]

For whoever has, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whoever has not, from him shall be taken away even that he has. – Matthew 13:12, American King James Version 


 

[Look how similar this is.]

If you are grateful, I will give you more.  –  The Koran 14:7



[Don’t wait for one day of the year to be grateful.]

And if your gratitude is strong and constant, the reaction in Formless Substance will be strong and continuous; the movement of the things you want will be always toward you… 

It is necessary, then, to cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you; and to give thanks continuously. Wallace D. Wattles, The Science of Getting Rich

 


What’s the life-changing way to have gratitude?


During a group discussion of the above-mentioned book by Wattles, I suddenly heard this in a new way. It’s not just occasional gratitude, it’s living in a state of gratitude continuous gratitude.

Gratitude, continuous gratitude, will change your life!

I made a decision for this moment, and then extending it to this minute (more moments), this hour, today, this week, lifetime and beyond, to give thanks continuously. 

Will you join me?

I know I will get distracted from my choice to live in continuous gratitude. When I’ve practiced it, though, my life continues to improve.

However, when I catch myself straying into the hinterlands, I can shift my focus away from lack, my pity pot and what’s not working to being grateful instead.

It won’t matter how many times I’ll fall off my wagon of continuous gratitude; I can always get back on.

So can you.

Happy Days of Gratitude and Giving Thanks!

P.S. Know someone who might enjoy this post? Please share.

I work with people, at any age,
who choose to share their gifts
or business in a BIGGER way
but don’t know how, feel stuck
or would benefit from new tools
or support.

I help them be richly compensated
doing what they love by aligning
with their Soul’s goals.

Copyright © 2017 Resolved for Results, All rights reserved.