An acclaimed author and speaker sat across the aisle from me during a shuttle bus ride to a conference.
She was recognized by the woman sitting behind her who started a conversation between the two of them.
Just as the ride ended, with a sweet smile and feigned good intentions that she probably believed were innocent and necessary to express, she trashed the famous person with subtle (not really subtle) advice/put downs.
As an observer, I watched the powerful woman’s face drop as she didn’t know what hit her. While disembarking from the bus, I quietly told her that she didn’t do what the accuser claimed, and the other woman was making stuff up.
After meditating about me and out of so-called concern, a woman decided to list extensively my shortcomings since the beginning of our friendship. She had a pattern of telling me these every couple of years for fifteen years. Adding insult to injury, her skewed perspective caused her opinions to have more holes than Swiss cheese. Her last sharing was her final one with me.
Can you recall interactions that left you wondering whaa – what just happened?
Or maybe you’ve claimed the title of tell-it-like-you-think-others-should-be-or-should-know-about-themselves.
I confess. In the past, handling crazy-makers like these often left me clumsily dumbfounded and reactive. Maybe a month or a year later, I’d think of a clever yet still unsatisfactory response.
Recently during a session with one of my teachers, the sky opened and fairy dust of understanding gently rained upon me.
I’m sharing my pixie enlightenment about some reasons why others use manipulative behaviors that blind-side and what to do about it.
Also, a heads up if this is your M.O. You may choose to stop it. As Dale Carnegie wrote, the pay off is that you’ll win friends, influence more people and feel authentically better about yourself.
THE WHY:
When people are afraid, they look to fight anybody. They will attack a strong person. (You might be perceived as strong by others, even if you don’t feel that way about yourself).
The underlying, usually unconscious thinking of pointing out faults of a strong person is this: I’m insecure. Let’s see if I can take you down to my level.
It’s someone else’s fault, and they’re going to point it out. “Others” are doing something wrong.
Those who use passive-aggressive behavior look for weak parts and take aim at those frailties.
- It can create self-doubt in the other person and throw them off-balance.
- It can invert the strong person’s attention onto themselves and away from the aggressor’s shortcomings.
However, the problem actually rests within them. They don’t want to work on their own issues, so they blame others. Again, the focus is on others and their faults so the perpetrators don’t have to look at themselves.
It reminds me of what Eckhart Tolle said regarding people who complain about others, including other drivers. Disapproval of others makes their ego feel “morally superior,” even to strangers driving in cars.
Passive-aggressiveness is a self-esteem boosting technique born out of feelings of inadequacy or helplessness. It’s one way to get attention and have people listen, which they might not have experienced in their past.
In short, one way passive-aggressiveness works is to criticize how others are wrong in order to feel better about themselves, enhance superiority or get something they want.
WHAT TO DO:
Don’t agree or argue with them. Tell them, “I appreciate what you’re saying, but I don’t agree.”
They want you to defend yourself or argue. If you don’t, they look like an idiot.
Eventually, they’ll stop trying to attack because you offer no resistance. Their attempts to get you to provide fuel to fill up their tank of self-esteem isn’t working (instead of finding it within themselves).
Also, they can’t understand you if you talk with them logically when they’re seeing things emotionally. You’re both on different wavelengths. You can’t hear an FM station when you’re tuned into AM.
People blaming “the others,” be it personally, politically, in business or otherwise, is a scapegoat from looking at their own issues.
Does any of this fairy dust bring clarity to you, your business or work?
With gratitude,
Virginia
P.S. Know someone who might like this? Please forward.
I work with people who choose to share
their gifts or business in a BIGGER way
but don’t know how or feel stuck.
I help them ignite their Soul’s goals
and be richly compensated doing what
they love.
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