Posts Tagged ‘Blame others’

That Thing that Upset You… Here’s Why!

December 3, 2018

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I know. I know. There’s no way you would EVER want this experience or someone to do to you what happened.

Obviously, someone or something else is to blame. How could you have caused this? It happened outside of you, out of your control. Wouldn’t anyone feel the same way?

If I elaborate on the idea that your thoughts and feelings are things, and they shape your world, you might want to land a punch on me if I were close to you. You might believe I don’t understand this situation. I’m delusional. Or perhaps you think that you already know we attract experiences through our thinking, but you had nothing to do with causing this fill in the blank issue.

Instead, I’ll share two examples, leaving you to evaluate if this idea might have any credibility. It might make more sense if you’ve spent years being angry or blaming others or wondering why things keep happening to you… and perhaps you’re coming to the awareness that those approaches haven’t gotten you what you want.

First is a woman who had COPD and several other physical disabilities that necessitated someone to be with her 24/7. She shared with me that she used to end up being the one to take care of people. She used to say to herself, when’s it going to be my turn to be taken care of? She got her answer, although not in the way she wanted.

Another woman left a position she’d had for several years when she realized the job was literally killing her. The business she planned on starting when she left her job never took off, which was a good thing because she was unwell and extremely weak.

Having no money, she went back to work at a job she had decades before – delivering pizzas. Not her dream job at the age of 60, to say the least.

The job actually had many redeeming qualities for her. She built up her strength. Finally, she was surrounded by a supportive and caring manager and team of co-workers. She made money she desperately needed.

For a while, she did a lot of complaining. Delivering pizzas was a far cry from living her dream. “I’m too old for this. A few months ago I could hardly walk, and now I’m slowly carrying heavy boxes of pizza and soda up flights of stairs, and sometimes I don’t even get tips.” She couldn’t see well while driving at night, had a hard time on access roads and finding places, and she hated those stairs and delivering to apartment buildings. To top it off, she decided that people of her race never tipped. She saw that as a fact.

These upsetting things appeared completely out of her control.

She couldn’t govern the randomness of which orders were next in line to deliver, who they’d go to, if they were tippers and where people lived.

Everything changed when she realized she was using her imagination to dwell on annoyances instead of what she chooses to experience.

She decided to change her focus and found that her outcomes improved the more she directed her thinking to what she wanted.

This success inspired her to become very intentional, with her thinking being the only thing that changed. This is what happened on that shift.

  1. All her deliveries were to houses except one to an apartment building, and they lived on the first floor.
  2. She had no need to travel on any access roads.
  3. Locations were easy to find.
  4. People of her own race always gave her great tips.
  5. She had her best night of tips ever, nearly doubling the tips she made on any good night in the entire three months she worked there.
  6. Everyone was friendly and nice.

The following week, she decided to leave that job. She’s now the happiest she’s ever been. She’s confident that financial opportunities she’s considering are going to work out because she’s learned the power of using her imagination wisely.

She discovered that effectively using one’s imagination is more real than the so called “reality” of outer circumstances. 

Now, she’s no longer worried or depressed.

She’s relaxed because she knows money will come and she’ll have time to pursue her dream. Based on opportunities coming her way, she has good reason to continue to believe things will work out.

You’re bigger than anything or anyone that’s upsetting you.

Rearrange your thinking. You are the change that changes your world.

Pay attention to what you’re telling yourself, the conversations in your head, during the day.

It’s not that you won’t be aware of your outer circumstances, but don’t freak out about them! Don’t give in to thinking nothing will ever change. Instead, focus on how you choose your life or business to be.

Take a breath. Shift gears. Imagine your life, really imagine it with your thoughts and feelings, as if it’s the way you choose and that everything’s working out in divine right timing.

And remember to tip well your servers and delivery folks. That’s how they earn their living.

P.S. Know someone who might enjoy this post? Please share.

I work with people, at any age,
who choose to share their gifts
or business in a BIGGER way
but don’t know how, feel stuck
or would benefit from new tools
or support.

I help them be richly compensated
doing what they love by discovering
their Soul’s goals.

Copyright © 2018 Soulgoals, All rights reserved.

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I Confess. I Didn’t Know How to Handle This… Until Now.

June 12, 2017

Arguing earthworms

An acclaimed author and speaker sat across the aisle from me during a shuttle bus ride to a conference.

She was recognized by the woman sitting behind her who started a conversation between the two of them.

Just as the ride ended, with a sweet smile and feigned good intentions that she probably believed were innocent and necessary to express, she trashed the famous person with subtle (not really subtle) advice/put downs.

As an observer, I watched the powerful woman’s face drop as she didn’t know what hit her. While disembarking from the bus, I quietly told her that she didn’t do what the accuser claimed, and the other woman was making stuff up.
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After meditating about me and out of so-called concern, a woman decided to list extensively my shortcomings since the beginning of our friendship. She had a pattern of telling me these every couple of years for fifteen years. Adding insult to injury, her skewed perspective caused her opinions to have more holes than Swiss cheese. Her last sharing was her final one with me.


Can you recall interactions that left you wondering whaa – what just happened?

Or maybe you’ve claimed the title of tell-it-like-you-think-others-should-be-or-should-know-about-themselves.

I confess. In the past, handling crazy-makers like these often left me clumsily dumbfounded and reactive. Maybe a month or a year later, I’d think of a clever yet still unsatisfactory response.

Recently during a session with one of my teachers, the sky opened and fairy dust of understanding gently rained upon me.

I’m sharing my pixie enlightenment about some reasons why others use manipulative behaviors that blind-side and what to do about it.

Also, a heads up if this is your M.O. You may choose to stop it. As Dale Carnegie wrote, the pay off is that you’ll win friends, influence more people and feel authentically better about yourself.

THE WHY:

When people are afraid, they look to fight anybody. They will attack a strong person. (You might be perceived as strong by others, even if you don’t feel that way about yourself).

The underlying, usually unconscious thinking of pointing out faults of a strong person is this: I’m insecure. Let’s see if I can take you down to my level.

It’s someone else’s fault, and they’re going to point it out. “Others” are doing something wrong.

Those who use passive-aggressive behavior look for weak parts and take aim at those frailties. 

  1. It can create self-doubt in the other person and throw them off-balance.
  2. It can invert the strong person’s attention onto themselves and away from the aggressor’s shortcomings.

However, the problem actually rests within them. They don’t want to work on their own issues, so they blame others. Again, the focus is on others and their faults so the perpetrators don’t have to look at themselves.

It reminds me of what Eckhart Tolle said regarding people who complain about others, including other drivers.  Disapproval of others makes their ego feel “morally superior,” even to strangers driving in cars.

Passive-aggressiveness is a self-esteem boosting technique born out of feelings of inadequacy or helplessness. It’s one way to get attention and have people listen, which they might not have experienced in their past. 

In short, one way passive-aggressiveness works is to criticize how others are wrong in order to feel better about themselves, enhance superiority or get something they want. 

WHAT TO DO:

Don’t agree or argue with them. Tell them, “I appreciate what you’re saying, but I don’t agree.”

They want you to defend yourself or argue. If you don’t, they look like an idiot.

Eventually, they’ll stop trying to attack because you offer no resistance. Their attempts to get you to provide fuel to fill up their tank of self-esteem isn’t working (instead of finding it within themselves).

Also, they can’t understand you if you talk with them logically when they’re seeing things emotionally. You’re both on different wavelengths. You can’t hear an FM station when you’re tuned into AM.

People blaming “the others,” be it personally, politically, in business or otherwise, is a scapegoat from looking at their own issues.

Does any of this fairy dust bring clarity to you, your business or work?

With gratitude,

Virginia

P.S. Know someone who might like this? Please forward.

I work with people who choose to share
their gifts or business in a BIGGER way
but don’t know how or feel stuck.

I help them ignite their Soul’s goals
and be richly compensated doing what
they love.