How to say NO. Hint: You don’t have to explain yourself

Aaaaa, do you see the light when answering NO?

“Watch for any kind of defensiveness within yourself. What are you defending? An illusory identity, an image in your mind, a fictitious entity.”

Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

Many years ago, I saw someone with the habit of needing to explain himself on the game show You Bet Your Life. Long before his scandalous lifestyle was revealed, host Bill Cosby asked a contestant if his mother ever made a certain recipe indigenous to his home country. The guy went into a long harangue ending with his mother didn’t.

Mr. Cosby replied that a simple no would’ve sufficed.

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I had a lesson in discernment. I gave fuel for discussion when a simple no would have sufficed.

A friend stumbled with words while asking me for a favor. Actually, I had to state the question because, after telling me a long, explanatory backstory, the favor was implied but never asked.

I immediately knew my answer. However, opting to practice diplomacy and restraint instead of blurting out a flabbergasting, “Are you nuts? That doesn’t work on so many levels,” I said I would get back with my decision.

Later that day, life provided an incident illustrating that to fulfill the request wasn’t a good idea. The next day, while sharing what happened, I segued into declining the request siting my recent experience as an illustration of why I didn’t want to do what was asked.

My answer was challenged. Although I didn’t defend myself, I listened to how a simple “no” would have been okay, but my reason wasn’t acceptable because it wasn’t believed.

It made no sense to elaborate my why because the question wouldn’t have been posed if it were looked at more deeply by her in the first place. A favor was requested, not a dissertation.

Furthermore, experience has taught me that introducing logic when someone is emotional rarely promotes clear communication.

Upon reflection, I learned several lessons.

1. Keep it simple. If I said, “No, it doesn’t work for me,” I could’ve avoided her rant. There wouldn’t have been fuel for rebuttal.
   
2. Use discernment. Historically, my observation of this person’s emotional state in the past was a clue that my decision to explain even a little wasn’t a good call. Additionally, the favor wouldn’t have been asked if this person knew better. To someone closer to me, I might have shared more of my thoughts. Even though life provided me with my validation, I didn’t have to share it.

“Expecting healthy behavior from unhealthy people is futile; expecting different results from the same behaviors, according to Earnie Larsen, is insane.”

 Melodie Beatty, Codependent No More

(Yikes. I would add, we have to admit to ourselves that they have unhealthy behavior. In the past, I often, way too often, choosing to see the best in people, wouldn’t allow myself to see that.)

3. Don’t tiptoe around people’s emotions. I was tired of dealing with anger and sensitivity, so I listened to but didn’t stop the rant. By not drawing the line, I gave away my power to her. Why should I tiptoe around others because they might get upset?  It’s not my responsibility to take care of others’ emotions as long as I’m not dumping mine on them. I didn’t exercise my option to stop the rant and say, “My answer is no, and it’s not up for discussion.”

4. There’s no need to defend my choices and beliefs. On the bright side, I didn’t inwardly react or feel the need to elaborate on my reasoning upon demand. By not reacting, I observed more dynamics of the interaction.

“Even if you don’t hold your ground, moving differently in a relationship is the best way to learn about your own self and the relationship. Only after you begin to change a relationship can you really see it.”

 Harriet Goldhor Lerner, The Dance of Anger

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Tired of giving away your power, even though you might
not realze that’s what you’re doing? Contact me at:
virginia@soulgoals.com

I work with people who choose to share
their gifts or business in a BIGGER way
but don’t know how, feel stuck or could 
use new tools or support.

I help them ignite their Soul’s goals
and be richly compensated doing what
they love.

Originally posted as an excerpt from my Soulgoal Missive a long time ago.

Copyright © 2021 Soulgoals, All rights reserved.

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Read This If You Don’t Like How Some People Treat You

The generation before my Soulgoal Blog was Soulgoal Missives. This week, while updating my PC’s software, this missive from July 24, 2002, popped up on my screen out of nowhere. It provided insight into a situation I’d just witnessed. It’s about understanding why people react to each other the way they do. Your issue may be different from mine during my college years, but the concept still holds. People respond to others’ energy.

Soulgoal Missive, Year 1, No. 23

Speak From Your Strength

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

Dr. Seuss

My wake up call started by accident, in spite of myself. It was the moment I realized that what I said and the way I said it affected the way other people acted and reacted to me. The chef in the restaurant, where I waitressed while in college, always intimidated me. If I said, “I’m sorry, I made a mistake,” I became an even greater target for him. One day I was so busy that I dashed into the kitchen with no time for apologies or excuses. I plunked down a dish of vegetables and said, “I wanted peas not beans.” Oh, I really didn’t mean to be what I thought of as bossy or imply that he made a mistake. And I really would have given him a story, an explanation about my error, if I had an opportunity. However, “I wanted peas not beans,” were the words that began to change my life. He thought he was at fault so he didn’t lecture me. He quickly replaced the order, and I had an epiphany. No, it wasn’t to trick people to take the blame for something I did. I had been setting myself up for him to pick on me, and I didn’t even realize it. I used to think that if I acted nicer or downplayed myself, then people would respond accordingly. They did – they were at the other end of a seesaw that I created. I was on one side with sweetness, so they balanced me out with anger, control, domination, or intimidation. Through my lack of self-confidence and under the guise of being nice, I subconsciously tried to manipulate others so they would change their behavior and be nice to me. It’s a technique that ultimately does not work. Instead, speaking our truth, coming from the center of our strength, getting out of our “story” and the drama it creates, is empowering. This not only makes life more fun and stress-free, it attracts the people and circumstances needed to accomplish our goals. It’s authentic living. Anything less gives our power away to other people. We often have so much trepidation about expressing our truth and what we feel inside that we diminish our effectiveness and ourselves. We place a fear filter over every experience – past, present, and future. We no longer see life for what it is. Instead, we warp our perspective and act less than we really are. I asked participants of one of my success groups about their last year’s goals – what they were and what they actually accomplished. A woman had a financial goal that she said she didn’t come anywhere near reaching. An earlier goal was to find the right career. As she spoke, she made herself sound like a failure. One by one the team members got into their “story” about how they didn’t do the things they wanted and underplayed their successes. “Yes, I accomplished my year-long goal of cleaning my desk, (giggle) but now it’s messy again.” (By the way, we saw her results earlier in the year and held a meeting at her house to acknowledge her accomplishment.) Their inner computers were programmed to make excuses, lack clarity and be afraid to let people know who they are, under the pretext of not wanting to sound like they were bragging. I gave them a second chance to tell us about their year. They were to report what happened and speak from the heart without the “story,” be emotionally neutral, and talk from a positive, broader perspective. We then learned that even though it was a bad year financially, during the second half she found a career she enjoys. In four months, she earned 65% of her annual income!  The reason the other member let her desk get messy is that she is so busy surpassing her business goal, which previously she thought was unattainable, that she didn’t have time to clean her desk. I reminded her that her goal was to clean the desk, not clean AND maintain it. When asked if she wanted to have that as a goal for next year, she said she didn’t feel that having a clean desk is a priority anymore. This is so different from what they first told themselves and then us. They said it felt very unusual to talk about themselves in a positive, accomplished way. We’re so trained by society to hide ourselves and the beautiful light we shine. We bury it and forget. What filter do you use to tell your story about your life, your accomplishments and what you expect for your future? Make yourself the hero/heroine of your dreams. Your challenge, if you choose to accept it, is to have the courage and confidence to exchange with a friend each other’s successes from last month or last year. Speak from your strength using a positive perspective. Report on your wins, benefits and lessons learned. Talk from your heart without the story, and be emotionally neutral. With a zest for Life, Virginia                                                                      Success Thought Be mindful of the words that you use and the actions that you live and who you are and how it is you use your power. In other words, as you say what you say, as you make commitments, as you form the power of your life, keep clear at all times that you are what you say you are, that you put your force behind what you say, and monitor that accordingly. Gary Zukav, The Seat of the Soul   Virginia Goszewska, the founder of Soulgoals, believes each person and business has a way to contribute to life. The coaching systems she developed that help people find clarity, take action and experience personal and professional success are based on decades of research and experience. As a regional manager with a worldwide, top ten, Inc. 500 company and at top-level executive positions of international corporations, Virginia received awards in sales, training, management and business development. From Southeast Asia to the United Kingdom, people around the world have benefited from her expert coaching, compassionate insights and common sense.  Virginia offers complimentary Break-Free sessions by phone, holds workshops, seminars, team building programs and is a keynote speaker. She can be contacted at virginia@soulgoals.com  or (512) 842-1231. Please feel free to forward this to friends and associates in its entirety.

Copyright © 2002-2020 Soulgoals, All rights reserved.

Guilt, Know-It-Alls, Being #1 and Challenging Times

Are you in a self-imposed prison with freedom in view?

 

Feeling guilty had been drilled into her by her family throughout her life.

It was a way others could control her. If they could disempower her through feeling guilty, she could kowtow to their ways and do and be what they wanted.

Because she was used to feeling guilty, especially when my client became #1 in her territory, business associates and family triggered those familiar feelings.

She felt that she was doing something wrong by being successful.

---

Unconsciously, here’s the message others sent: if I make you doubt yourself or feel bad about yourself, I’ll bring you down to a place where your success no longer makes me feel uncomfortable. Who do you think you are? What’s wrong with you? Be more like me… and whine about how life’s unfair.

---

People in her family had jobs. Furthermore, what’s a woman doing being successful and making more money than them, especially in her own business?! They had to work hard in their employment; why should she be any different?

Not feeling good about the price she paid for her success (she received negative input from others), her sales slipped. A part of her was trying to stop being a target that resulted in guilty feelings.

She didn’t realize it was their own jealousy, insecurity, a need to control and their fear and disappointment in themselves for not going after their dreams that were the underlying culprits of others’ manipulative behaviors.

Ever hear of the lobster syndrome or the crab mentality?

When either of these is alone in a lidless container, it can escape.

However, when sharing their enclosure, none can get out because they will be pulled back down, even into boiling water.

In society or business, this can happen when people are bettering themselves and others try to bring them down.

How can they do that? Through guilt, fear, anger, making others feel they’re doing something wrong, shunning, shaming and the threat of being ostracized if they don’t fit in with the community.

Some religions exert control by indoctrinating their followers with the fear of damnation or how their future lives will be affected.

Previously, my client couldn’t stay away from her cell phone out of a concern of missing calls from prospective customers. Her belief was that working hard is the road to success.

So when she fulfilled her goal of a five-week vacation, and still remained #1, it was at the expense of others’ disparaging remarks.

Even though at the top of her game and years away from what most consider retirement age, she couldn’t stop thinking about leaving the business world behind.

She told me about a close friend and business associate. “There’s something about him lately that rubs me the wrong way – so I’ve distanced myself — although we’re working on a deal together. With him, it’s a debate or he knows some expertise about things. He’s done and knows everything.”

She was exhausted by critical people: if it’s not done their way, then in their way of looking at things, it’s being done wrong.

“Because I am surrounded by that thinking and attitude, my cup runneth over with this. My response is to disassociate with people who have these behaviors.”

When I asked where she’s seen those patterns before in childhood, she recalled that her mother and brother had the same habit of being critical know-it-alls. Both parents ruled by creating guilt in others.

We discussed that no matter where you go, there you are. If she continued to react, she’d attract more people who would act the same, wherever she went.

She realized that unless she changed, even if she left her business, she’d continue to run into similar, annoying behaviors from others.

---

Programmed from childhood, traits like lack of confidence, guilt and worry can prompt you to continue brainwashing yourself with limiting beliefs, even when those who put these ideas in your head aren’t around. 

Don’t listen to your inner, critical voice that bullies you and makes you question your ability to succeed or be happy. It lies.

That nagging voice reflects how the people who told you that nonsense feel about themselves. It’s not about you.

Your true essence guides you with a kind, non-judgmental and supportive voice.

---

Her insight: this coaching session made her step back and look at the bigger picture.

She realized that she won’t be affected by others when she has a different perspective. And when her buttons are no longer pushed, she won’t attract people who think like that.

By the way, she’s back to being #1 and having her best year ever. Life is more fun, and she feels free now that she no longer reacts to guilt trips and know-it-alls in the way she did before.

You can step out of your self-imposed prison of any limiting beliefs, even if you don’t know what’s holding you back.

Start by having confidence that believing in yourself brings.

Remember, those voices to the contrary are figments of someone else’s imagination that they projected on you.

There are many ways you can feel imprisoned, especially during a pandemic.

But good things can emerge during challenging times.

Freedom and success are yours if you’re open to receive them.

Make the most of this moment. Isolation can give birth to unimaginable heights.

---

You think you’re challenged? Look at Nelson Mandela’s life (1918 – 2013; passed away at 95):

• Mandela, as a young lawyer, joined the African National Congress (ANC) in 1944 to advocate for an end to South African apartheid, an oppressive system of government built on racial segregation. 
• In 1963, he and other cohorts were sentenced to life in prison.
• He spent 18 years in the cell, seen above, that was 43 square feet.
• The floor was his bed, and he used a bucket for a toilet.
• He was forced to do hard labor in a quarry.
• He was allowed one visitor a year for 30 minutes.
• He could write and receive one letter every six months.
• In 1990, having served 27 years in prison, he was released by South African President de Klerk.
• In 1993, he won the Nobel Peace Prize with de Klerk.
• Mandela became president of South Africa in 1994.

---

 

P.S. Know someone who might benefit from this post? Please share.

Think about you on the other side of the pandemic.
Can you see that you’re no longer willing
to put up with the old way you’ve been doing things?
Do you know you can consciously create your life?
If you’d like to learn about a complimentary session so 
you can start fresh, contact me at

virginia@soulgoals.com

http://www.soulgoals.com

I work with people
who choose to share their gifts
or business in a BIGGER way
but don’t know how, feel stuck
or would benefit from new tools
or support.

I help them be richly compensated
doing what they love by aligning
with their Soul’s goals.

Updated from Soulgoals’ Archives posted on November 6, 2017

 

Copyright © 2020 Soulgoals, All rights reserved.

Guilt, Know-It-Alls & Being #1

Are you in a self-imposed prison with freedom in view?

 

Feeling guilty had been drilled into her by her family throughout her life.

When my client was at the top, business associates and family triggered these guilty feelings by their passive-aggressive behaviors. She felt like she was doing something wrong.

Not feeling good about the price she paid for her success, her sales slipped.

People in her family had jobs. Furthermore, what’s a woman doing being successful, especially in her own business?! They had to work hard in their employment; why should she be any different?

She didn’t realize it was their own jealousy, insecurity, a need to control and their disappointment in themselves for not going after their dreams that were the underlying culprits of others’ manipulative behaviors.

Ever hear of the lobster syndrome or the crab mentality?

When either of these is alone in a lidless container, it can escape.

However, when sharing their enclosure, none can get out because they will be pulled back down, even into boiling water.

In society or business, this can happen when people are bettering themselves, and others try to bring them down.

How can they do that? Through guilt, fear, making others feel they’re doing something wrong, shunning, shaming and the threat of being ostracized if they don’t fit in with the community.

Some religions exert control by indoctrinating their followers with the fear of damnation or how their future lives will be affected.

Previously, my client couldn’t stay away from her cell phone out of fear of missing calls from prospective customers. Working hard is acceptable as a road to success.

So when she fulfilled her goal of a five-week vacation, and still remained #1, it was at the expense of others’ disparaging remarks.

Even though at the top of her game and years away from what most consider retirement age, she couldn’t stop thinking about leaving the business world behind.

She told me about a close friend and business associate. “There’s something about him lately that rubs me the wrong way – so I’ve distanced myself — although we’re working on a deal together. With him, it’s a debate or he knows some expertise about things. He’s done and knows everything.”

She was exhausted by critical people: if it’s not done their way, then in their way of looking at things, it’s being done wrong.

“Because I am surrounded by that thinking and attitude, my cup runneth over with this. My response is to disassociate with people who have these behaviors.”

When I asked where she’s seen those patterns before, she recalled that her mother and sister had the same habit of being critical know-it-alls. Both parents ruled by creating guilt in others.

We discussed that no matter where you go, there you are. If she continued to react, she’d attract more people who would act the same, wherever she went.

She realized that unless she changed, even if she left her business, she’d continue to run into similar, annoying behaviors from others.

---

Programmed from childhood, traits like lack of confidence, guilt and worry can prompt you to continue brainwashing yourself with limiting beliefs, even when those who put these ideas in your head aren’t around. 

Don’t listen to your inner, critical voice that bullies you and makes you question your ability to succeed or be happy. It lies.

That nagging voice reflects how the people who told you that nonsense feel about themselves. It’s not about you.

Your true essence guides you with a kind, non-judgmental and supportive voice.

---

Her insight: this session made her step back and look at the bigger picture.

She realized that she won’t be affected by others when she has a different perspective. And when her buttons are no longer pushed, she won’t attract people who think like that.

By the way, she’s back to being #1 and having her best year ever. Life is more fun, and she feels free now that she no longer reacts to guilt trips and know-it-alls in the way she did before.

You can step out of your self-imposed prison of any limiting beliefs, even if you don’t know what’s holding you back.

Start by having confidence that believing in yourself brings.

Remember, those voices to the contrary are figments of someone else’s imagination that they projected on you.

Freedom and success are yours if you’re open to receive them.

P.S. Know someone who might enjoy this post? Please share.

 
I work with people, at any age,
who choose to share their gifts
or business in a BIGGER way
but don’t know how, feel stuck
or would benefit from new tools
or support.

I help them be richly compensated
doing what they love by aligning
with their Soul’s goals.

Copyright © 2017 Resolved for Results, All rights reserved.

I Confess. I Didn’t Know How to Handle This… Until Now.

An acclaimed author and speaker sat across the aisle from me during a shuttle bus ride to a conference.

She was recognized by the woman sitting behind her who started a conversation between the two of them.

Just as the ride ended, with a sweet smile and feigned good intentions that she probably believed were innocent and necessary to express, she trashed the famous person with subtle (not really subtle) advice/put downs.

As an observer, I watched the powerful woman’s face drop as she didn’t know what hit her. While disembarking from the bus, I quietly told her that she didn’t do what the accuser claimed, and the other woman was making stuff up.
­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

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After meditating about me and out of so-called concern, a woman decided to list extensively my shortcomings since the beginning of our friendship. She had a pattern of telling me these every couple of years for fifteen years. Adding insult to injury, her skewed perspective caused her opinions to have more holes than Swiss cheese. Her last sharing was her final one with me.

---

Can you recall interactions that left you wondering whaa – what just happened?

Or maybe you’ve claimed the title of tell-it-like-you-think-others-should-be-or-should-know-about-themselves.

I confess. In the past, handling crazy-makers like these often left me clumsily dumbfounded and reactive. Maybe a month or a year later, I’d think of a clever yet still unsatisfactory response.

Recently during a session with one of my teachers, the sky opened and fairy dust of understanding gently rained upon me.

I’m sharing my pixie enlightenment about some reasons why others use manipulative behaviors that blind-side and what to do about it.

Also, a heads up if this is your M.O. You may choose to stop it. As Dale Carnegie wrote, the pay off is that you’ll win friends, influence more people and feel authentically better about yourself.

THE WHY:

When people are afraid, they look to fight anybody. They will attack a strong person. (You might be perceived as strong by others, even if you don’t feel that way about yourself).

The underlying, usually unconscious thinking of pointing out faults of a strong person is this: I’m insecure. Let’s see if I can take you down to my level.

It’s someone else’s fault, and they’re going to point it out. “Others” are doing something wrong.

Those who use passive-aggressive behavior look for weak parts and take aim at those frailties. 

1. It can create self-doubt in the other person and throw them off-balance.
2. It can invert the strong person’s attention onto themselves and away from the aggressor’s shortcomings.

However, the problem actually rests within them. They don’t want to work on their own issues, so they blame others. Again, the focus is on others and their faults so the perpetrators don’t have to look at themselves.

It reminds me of what Eckhart Tolle said regarding people who complain about others, including other drivers.  Disapproval of others makes their ego feel “morally superior,” even to strangers driving in cars.

Passive-aggressiveness is a self-esteem boosting technique born out of feelings of inadequacy or helplessness. It’s one way to get attention and have people listen, which they might not have experienced in their past. 

In short, one way passive-aggressiveness works is to criticize how others are wrong in order to feel better about themselves, enhance superiority or get something they want. 

WHAT TO DO:

Don’t agree or argue with them. Tell them, “I appreciate what you’re saying, but I don’t agree.”

They want you to defend yourself or argue. If you don’t, they look like an idiot.

Eventually, they’ll stop trying to attack because you offer no resistance. Their attempts to get you to provide fuel to fill up their tank of self-esteem isn’t working (instead of finding it within themselves).

Also, they can’t understand you if you talk with them logically when they’re seeing things emotionally. You’re both on different wavelengths. You can’t hear an FM station when you’re tuned into AM.

People blaming “the others,” be it personally, politically, in business or otherwise, is a scapegoat from looking at their own issues.

Does any of this fairy dust bring clarity to you, your business or work?

With gratitude,

Virginia

P.S. Know someone who might like this? Please forward.

I work with people who choose to share
their gifts or business in a BIGGER way
but don’t know how or feel stuck.

I help them ignite their Soul’s goals
and be richly compensated doing what
they love.

TIP: The Happier Choice

A man tried to passive-aggressively manipulate a woman, by attempting to get her to doubt herself, so she would do what he wanted. An insecure woman controls her friend’s behavior by using her illness and fearful threats of taking away something he needs. He goes along with it because the intimidation clouds his ability to believe in himself and that he can find a solution elsewhere. A therapist got angry with a peer who didn’t buy into her fear-based bullying which she communicated by demeaning words, raised voice, blaming others and mocking tone. When change occurs, some people feel they’re losing control. It can feel as if their very life is threatened, and they’ll do whatever it takes to survive. Chances are the perpetrators won’t see or believe what they’re doing. Stand at arm’s length if you try to tell them lest they throw a punch. Ever hear the adage about not trying to teach a pig how to fly? A pig can’t fly, and you’ll just irritate the pig. Yes, forgive them for they know not what they do… and take care of yourself! You have a responsibility to be steward of YOUR life. You have a choice to be a follower of someone else’s fears and expectations, and give away your power, or think for yourself. You won’t be truly happy unless you follow the rhythm of your own drum. In avoiding dealing with situations like these (and there are countless variations), you might believe that when the people disappear into the sunset, it will be happy trails forever more. Not true. Unless you address your “stuff,” you carry this vibration, these feelings, in your energy field. You’ll attract more of the same type of people and experiences in the future, even if your current situation goes away. Why? Life offers you opportunities to grow, release what’s not serving you and be free. What does this have to do with you and your goals? If you succumb to fear, you may find yourself doubting your ability to be richly compensated doing what you love. You deserve much more.

Your TIP is to make the happier choice.

• Trust yourself. Listen to the voice within and what your gut is telling you. Don’t elevate others’ opinions over your own.
• Believe in your Self. YOU have a hotline to the Divine. Don’t diss that connection by letting others convince you that they know what’s good for you more than you do.
• Don’t give away your power to fear and self-doubt (others or your own).

How can you do this?

• Make choices on your behalf instead of trying to please people or kowtowing to fear. Your choices matter. You matter.
• Listen to your inner guidance. Even if you’ve been ignoring it for a while doesn’t mean your spirit isn’t available 24/7 to give you nudges as well as to light up the best direction for you to take.
• Pay attention to how you feel not to what you think you should do based on others’ opinions. Let good-feeling mojo be your guide.
• Be in the now. The ego will have you long for or regret the past or be afraid of future what-ifs and worse-case scenarios. In the present, you can change your thinking and handle anything. Your power is in this moment.
• Anticipate the best! Why not? It’s the attitude that brings positive results.

You can achieve your dreams in ways that surpass your wildest imagination. However, you must be a vibrational match to them.

Fear, manipulation, doubt and worry create more of the same. None of these are real.

Remember your Source, the real You, and make the happier choice: loving, supportive, creative, growing, free and in the Now.

Remember this, and you’re unstoppable!

Do you know people you think might benefit from my TIP? Please share. If this TIP offers you insight into squirrely situations, please subscribe.

THE CAT (LITTER) BURGLAR!

Let’s say you’re a cat.  Like a good kitty, you do your duty in a litter box and then leave to do other important cat business – like sleep. Later, as nature demands, you return to the box, and your signature kitty bon bons are gone! You might think someone stole my poop. From your human servants’ point of view, they’re doing their duty by removing yours.

Life. Are you living it or is it a living hell? It depends on your perspective.

In the past, I embraced a popular belief: you spot it; you got it. Aka: if you point your finger at someone, there are three fingers pointing back at you. While this is often true, it’s hard to believe an infinite God has limited life to only one reason for why all things happen.

I used to psyche myself out when I believed everything is a reflection of me. When street lights flickered as I walked by, I thought my inner light was on the fritz, and my self-confidence fluttered.  After discussing this with a mentor, he pointed out that the world doesn’t revolve around me.

Wiser, when this phenomena happened again, I noticed that street light poles have numbers and reported those that needed new bulbs.

This awakening may be a relief, especially for those in abusive relationships searching for how they’re a schmuck, too. The lesson may be that you’re not a sicko. The cad may be teaching you to find your inner cojones and not allow others to manipulate you into feeling inferior because of their controlling tactics.

It also works when people phone and assume you have a responsibility to listen to their incessant fears or problems.

When it becomes evident they want an audience and someone to rescue them from their own negativity instead of changing, it’s not a lack of compassion to cancel membership from the Dump-of-Collecting-Others’-Pain Club. I mean, would you open the door to your home to let someone unload their garbage? Why allow others to dump their emotional junk… except fear of their reaction that there’s something wrong with you?

Here’s a perspective:

If you think you’re usually the one who’s wrong, it’s probably them.

If you think others are usually the ones who are wrong, it’s probably you.

How’s your perspective working for you? Don’t let your beliefs or others’ opinions deter you from trusting your inner voice and truth. Then again, if you think the world centers around you, you won’t really care.