Archive for the ‘Manipulation’ Category

I Confess. I Didn’t Know How to Handle This… Until Now.

June 12, 2017

Arguing earthworms

An acclaimed author and speaker sat across the aisle from me during a shuttle bus ride to a conference.

She was recognized by the woman sitting behind her who started a conversation between the two of them.

Just as the ride ended, with a sweet smile and feigned good intentions that she probably believed were innocent and necessary to express, she trashed the famous person with subtle (not really subtle) advice/put downs.

As an observer, I watched the powerful woman’s face drop as she didn’t know what hit her. While disembarking from the bus, I quietly told her that she didn’t do what the accuser claimed, and the other woman was making stuff up.
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After meditating about me and out of so-called concern, a woman decided to list extensively my shortcomings since the beginning of our friendship. She had a pattern of telling me these every couple of years for fifteen years. Adding insult to injury, her skewed perspective caused her opinions to have more holes than Swiss cheese. Her last sharing was her final one with me.


Can you recall interactions that left you wondering whaa – what just happened?

Or maybe you’ve claimed the title of tell-it-like-you-think-others-should-be-or-should-know-about-themselves.

I confess. In the past, handling crazy-makers like these often left me clumsily dumbfounded and reactive. Maybe a month or a year later, I’d think of a clever yet still unsatisfactory response.

Recently during a session with one of my teachers, the sky opened and fairy dust of understanding gently rained upon me.

I’m sharing my pixie enlightenment about some reasons why others use manipulative behaviors that blind-side and what to do about it.

Also, a heads up if this is your M.O. You may choose to stop it. As Dale Carnegie wrote, the pay off is that you’ll win friends, influence more people and feel authentically better about yourself.

THE WHY:

When people are afraid, they look to fight anybody. They will attack a strong person. (You might be perceived as strong by others, even if you don’t feel that way about yourself).

The underlying, usually unconscious thinking of pointing out faults of a strong person is this: I’m insecure. Let’s see if I can take you down to my level.

It’s someone else’s fault, and they’re going to point it out. “Others” are doing something wrong.

Those who use passive-aggressive behavior look for weak parts and take aim at those frailties. 

  1. It can create self-doubt in the other person and throw them off-balance.
  2. It can invert the strong person’s attention onto themselves and away from the aggressor’s shortcomings.

However, the problem actually rests within them. They don’t want to work on their own issues, so they blame others. Again, the focus is on others and their faults so the perpetrators don’t have to look at themselves.

It reminds me of what Eckhart Tolle said regarding people who complain about others, including other drivers.  Disapproval of others makes their ego feel “morally superior,” even to strangers driving in cars.

Passive-aggressiveness is a self-esteem boosting technique born out of feelings of inadequacy or helplessness. It’s one way to get attention and have people listen, which they might not have experienced in their past. 

In short, one way passive-aggressiveness works is to criticize how others are wrong in order to feel better about themselves, enhance superiority or get something they want. 

WHAT TO DO:

Don’t agree or argue with them. Tell them, “I appreciate what you’re saying, but I don’t agree.”

They want you to defend yourself or argue. If you don’t, they look like an idiot.

Eventually, they’ll stop trying to attack because you offer no resistance. Their attempts to get you to provide fuel to fill up their tank of self-esteem isn’t working (instead of finding it within themselves).

Also, they can’t understand you if you talk with them logically when they’re seeing things emotionally. You’re both on different wavelengths. You can’t hear an FM station when you’re tuned into AM.

People blaming “the others,” be it personally, politically, in business or otherwise, is a scapegoat from looking at their own issues.

Does any of this fairy dust bring clarity to you, your business or work?

With gratitude,

Virginia

P.S. Know someone who might like this? Please forward.

I work with people who choose to share
their gifts or business in a BIGGER way
but don’t know how or feel stuck.

I help them ignite their Soul’s goals
and be richly compensated doing what
they love.

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TIP: The Happier Choice

June 7, 2016

anger

A man tried to passive-aggressively manipulate a woman, by attempting to get her to doubt herself, so she would do what he wanted.

An insecure woman controls her friend’s behavior by using her illness and fearful threats of taking away something he needs. He goes along with it because the intimidation clouds his ability to believe in himself and that he can find a solution elsewhere.

A therapist got angry with a peer who didn’t buy into her fear-based bullying which she communicated by demeaning words, raised voice, blaming others and mocking tone.

When change occurs, some people feel they’re losing control. It can feel as if their very life is threatened, and they’ll do whatever it takes to survive.

Chances are the perpetrators won’t see or believe what they’re doing.

Stand at arm’s length if you try to tell them lest they throw a punch. Ever hear the adage about not trying to teach a pig how to fly? A pig can’t fly, and you’ll just irritate the pig.

Yes, forgive them for they know not what they do… and take care of yourself! You have a responsibility to be steward of YOUR life.

You have a choice to be a follower of someone else’s fears and expectations, and give away your power, or think for yourself.

You won’t be truly happy unless you follow the rhythm of your own drum.

In avoiding dealing with situations like these (and there are countless variations), you might believe that when the people disappear into the sunset, it will be happy trails forever more. Not true.

Unless you address your “stuff,” you carry this vibration, these feelings, in your energy field. You’ll attract more of the same type of people and experiences in the future, even if your current situation goes away.

Why?

Life offers you opportunities to grow, release what’s not serving you and be free.

What does this have to do with you and your goals?

If you succumb to fear, you may find yourself doubting your ability to be richly compensated doing what you love.

You deserve much more.

Your TIP is to make the happier choice.

  • Trust yourself. Listen to the voice within and what your gut is telling you. Don’t elevate others’ opinions over your own.
  • Believe in your Self. YOU have a hotline to the Divine. Don’t diss that connection by letting others convince you that they know what’s good for you more than you do.
  • Don’t give away your power to fear and self-doubt (others or your own).

How can you do this?

  • Make choices on your behalf instead of trying to please people or kowtowing to fear. Your choices matter. You matter.
  • Listen to your inner guidance. Even if you’ve been ignoring it for a while doesn’t mean your spirit isn’t available 24/7 to give you nudges as well as to light up the best direction for you to take.
  • Pay attention to how you feel not to what you think you should do based on others’ opinions. Let good-feeling mojo be your guide.
  • Be in the now. The ego will have you long for or regret the past or be afraid of future what-ifs and worse-case scenarios. In the present, you can change your thinking and handle anything. Your power is in this moment.
  • Anticipate the best! Why not? It’s the attitude that brings positive results.

You can achieve your dreams in ways that surpass your wildest imagination. However, you must be a vibrational match to them.

Fear, manipulation, doubt and worry create more of the same. None of these are real.

Remember your Source, the real You, and make the happier choice: loving, supportive, creative, growing, free and in the Now.

Remember this, and you’re unstoppable!

Do you know people you think might benefit from my TIP? Please share. If this TIP offers you insight into squirrely situations, please subscribe.

 

THE CAT (LITTER) BURGLAR!

November 2, 2013

??????????Let’s say you’re a cat.  Like a good kitty, you do your duty in a litter box and then leave to do other important cat business – like sleep. Later, as nature demands, you return to the box, and your signature kitty bon bons are gone! You might think someone stole my poop. From your human servants’ point of view, they’re doing their duty by removing yours.

Life. Are you living it or is it a living hell? It depends on your perspective.

In the past, I embraced a popular belief: you spot it; you got it. Aka: if you point your finger at someone, there are three fingers pointing back at you. While this is often true, it’s hard to believe an infinite God has limited life to only one reason for why all things happen.

I used to psyche myself out when I believed everything is a reflection of me. When street lights flickered as I walked by, I thought my inner light was on the fritz, and my self-confidence fluttered.  After discussing this with a mentor, he pointed out that the world doesn’t revolve around me.

Wiser, when this phenomena happened again, I noticed that street light poles have numbers and reported those that needed new bulbs.

This awakening may be a relief, especially for those in abusive relationships searching for how they’re a schmuck, too. The lesson may be that you’re not a sicko. The cad may be teaching you to find your inner cojones and not allow others to manipulate you into feeling inferior because of their controlling tactics.

It also works when people phone and assume you have a responsibility to listen to their incessant fears or problems.

When it becomes evident they want an audience and someone to rescue them from their own negativity instead of changing, it’s not a lack of compassion to cancel membership from the Dump-of-Collecting-Others’-Pain Club. I mean, would you open the door to your home to let someone unload their garbage? Why allow others to dump their emotional junk… except fear of their reaction that there’s something wrong with you?

Here’s a perspective:

If you think you’re usually the one who’s wrong, it’s probably them.

If you think others are usually the ones who are wrong, it’s probably you.

How’s your perspective working for you? Don’t let your beliefs or others’ opinions deter you from trusting your inner voice and truth. Then again, if you think the world centers around you, you won’t really care.