A Different Way of Helping People… That Actually Helps

The Home Edit on Netflix inspired me to massively reorganize my home.

I let go of 2/3rds of my clothes and shoes. I threw away bags of stuff, sold some, and brought countless carloads to Goodwill.

For a variety of reasons, they no longer fit who I am now.

I categorized what was left (grouping similar items together in the same area). I bought containers so everything on my shelves had their own place. I stepped back to look at all my rooms, closets, drawers and cupboards with an eye for them to be aesthetically pleasing. The end goal is to maintain the system.

There’s not a paper on my desktops.

Following was the yard edit. I cut and dumped the equivalent of truckloads of pruned trees and branches.

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Months of this focus led me to ask questions about editing my life.

• How was I using my time?
• Why were individuals in my life?
• I paid attention to attitudes, beliefs, patterns, actions of myself and others.
• When did I feel unhappy or stressed? 
• What did I like or just put up with?

When I honestly paused to see, I admitted to myself what didn’t serve me.

I saw where I was taking care of others above taking care of me. 

Why? For logical reasons:
they needed me, my help, to talk, something… and regularly being on that vibrational frequency was interfering with my ability to create a life that I choose.

It was time for me to draw the line and stop tolerating the vibrational dissonance.

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“Use whatever excuse you can to vibrate in harmony with those things you’ve been saying you want. And when you do, these things that are a vibrational equivalent flow into your experience in abundance… That which is like unto itself is drawn.“

Abraham-Hicks

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Once, while in a car for hours with a woman who’d been experiencing her friend’s drama for hours, I asked: “Why are they even your friends?”

It was the same question I’d been asking myself about everything in my life. Why is this/ are they in my life?

She replied something about how they’re dysfunctional. However, my point wasn’t about them, but I left her answer alone.

My intention was about her. What vibration are you choosing? To use colloquial expressions, as birds of a feather flock together, as water seeks its own level, her love and caring for her friends were aligning her with energy of drama. 

Wonder why sometimes you don’t move forward in life the way you thought you could? With what vibrational frequencies are you aligning yourself?

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“When you find vibrational alignment with You,
you personally thrive.“

Abraham-Hicks

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For me, why did some drain my energy?

I learned from YouTuber Richard Grannon regarding narcissists that “you’re dealing with a performance to elicit a response from you that caused you to serve them.”

Whaaat?

Some people try to pull you in, to do things for them and satisfy their needs, with their stories, circumstances, neediness or emotions in order to elicit a response from you. This is how they cause you to serve them, in ways you wouldn’t have done if they hadn’t evoked or played on your emotions somehow.

They may want your money, your time, your stuff, your sex, your advice, your energy, your conversations, you doing things for them, your emotional support, and on and on.

They may not respect your boundaries when you say “no,” but they can be sooo grateful to you for helping them.

Yes. It feels good to make a difference by helping others. Until their needs surface again. And again.

I realized I wasn’t helping. They were using me as a band-aid.

Are you rescuing or trying to fix others? You might believe you should do this to be a loving and good friend or family member. However, you may be holding others back from learning their lessons!

If you try to “teach” them, aka rescue or fix them instead of being an example, you may be holding them back spiritually.

Consequence: they keep coming back to you for help, and your enabling doesn’t motivate them to learn their lessons.

Ask yourself honestly. Is the relationship 50-50 or more like 90-10, you giving more than receiving?

You can let go of the toxicity and drama in your life. Maybe you’ve outgrown that, and it’s no longer a fit.

Of course, be willing to extend a helping hand!! However, if your hand gets tired from the repetitive performance, here’s an option.

HAVE COMPASSION. BLESS OTHERS.

LET THEM KNOW YOU BELIEVE IN THEM TO FIND A WAY THROUGH THEIR SITUATION.

BUT DON’T DO THE WORK FOR THEM.

Be empowered. Happy. Surround yourself with supportive people who love you for who you are, not because of how you can serve them.

Edited post from Soulgoals’ Blog of November 14, 2022

Copyright © 2023 Soulgoals, All rights reserved.

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Ready to be free of helping others more and helping yourself less? 
Contact me to learn how at:

virginia@soulgoals.com
http://www.soulgoals.com

I help women to tune in to their true Selves, see clearly and live their personal and professional dreams.

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What You Can Do When Someone Pushes Your Buttons

 

 

 

Have you noticed people’s buttons getting pushed lately? Maybe yours? Some respond with anger, frustration or depression. Others find that finger pointing, denial and avoidance are easier than talking things through. Opportunities abound to deal with issues, but some prefer to ignore the elephant in the room. It would take more than new glasses to correct that vision. Changing perspective can help you: step back emotionally and observe in a detached way. This reminds you not to take it personally. But what should you do about it? Ask yourself: Is there something to get out of it, something to learn? Or is the point to get out of it and leave? And what’s the best action to take? This depends on the circumstances. But driving yourself bonkers and making yourself wrong only leads to a dead-end street. A lovely woman sent me a very ugly email. She wrote about demonic forces and people we once knew. She couldn’t be friends with me anymore because I was still associated with them, even though I hadn’t been for years.  Weeks later she apologized. Because of past injustices inflicted on her by this group, her deep pain was triggered. She obviously wasn’t herself when she wrote it.  The point? I got out of it lessons of compassion; forgiveness; grace; not judging as people make mistakes.  The action? Let go of the past and move on. We renewed our friendship.  A few months later she sent another email explaining how she couldn’t be my friend because of my involvement with these same people… people I still hadn’t talked with for a very long time.    The point? Get out of it. When people create too much drama and repeat patterns that they’re not shifting, it’s often best to step back.  The action? Don’t respond. Bless the situation and relationship and let them go.  Here are tips on what you can do when your buttons are pushed. Oh well, I can honestly say I’ve learned each one by doing the opposite. You can choose to push the easy button instead by using the following: Breathe deeply in a relaxed way. Step back emotionally and observe rather than become enmeshed with the story. Listen to what’s being expressed and understand their perspective. Let go of a need to be heard, validated and to express your viewpoint. Ask yourself that even if you don’t like it: why is it essential that others should think the way you think they should? Tune in to your gut – what do you feel is true and the best action to take?  “Forgive them for they know not what they do.” Then take action. Through my school of hard knocks learning, I’m adding one more. Don’t try to explain yourself using logic if someone is emotional. Mental and emotional approaches are on two different wave lengths. When someone is emotional, they often aren’t listening, can’t really hear what you’re saying unless it’s what they want to hear. They may not even have the foundation to understand what you’re saying. They just get annoyed and feel justified in making you look like the jerk. Instead listen and say: thanks for sharing your opinion. Warning: using these tips will not give you the emotional exhilaration received from feeling right; trying to fix or rescue people; feeling victimized; having your ego stroked; expressing anger; trying to control; or the comfort of familiarity from reliving your sad story.   It will: Bring you peace of mind and heart Awaken you to greater wisdom and awareness Honor others even if you’re sure they’ve lost their mind Reclaim your time and energy to enjoy life and pursue your goals Bring you better results in the long run. My cousin just called. “Be sure to tell people that everyone needs some silly in their lives and that laughter is the best medicine.” Thanks, Sharon, for the best ideas. Don’t take things too seriously. It’s all good.   This is a reprint from March, 2011. If you’d like to get help with your pushed buttons, contact me for a complimentary Do What You Love Break Free Session. Email me at: virginia@soulgoals.com I work with people who choose to share their gifts or business in a BIGGER way but don’t know how, feel stuck or would benefit from new tools or support. I help them be richly compensated doing what they love.

Copyright © 2019 Soulgoals, All rights reserved.

I Deleted 200 Phone Contacts

My contact list cleansing started innocently when my journaling meandered to an experience that happened a few months ago. On multiple occasions, I had conversations and hugs with a woman who works at a local store. We enjoyed some similar interests.

Longer story short, I invited her to my home; she was going to give me ideas about colors to paint my rooms. I thought it would be a nice opportunity to know her better, too.

She was to arrive at 2 PM. An hour earlier, I started to prepare food dishes that I planned for her visit.

At 2:01, she texted me: “Hey Virginia. This date won’t work.”

Mmmm, like she just realized this one minute after she was supposed to arrive? No other comment?

I texted a cordial reply.

Next I invited my 79-year old neighbor to join me as I lured her with a change of beverage from tea to wine. We savored my array of appetizers and our conversation.

While journaling, it occurred to me that the name of the woman who was a no-show started with an “A,” was at the beginning of my phone Contacts, and I saw it practically every time I opened my list.

As I don’t plan on needing this woman’s number anymore — she’s changing jobs, I’m unlikely to see her again, there’s no reason for her to call me and the thought of her was attached to this experience — why was I keeping her phone number?

Delete contact.

Ms. “A” was the beginning of 200 more contacts who met their expunged destinies. After a while, I realized I was following a method similar to cleaning closets. If I haven’t talked with them for a long while and we no longer share mutual interests… DELETE CONTACT! If I really need their numbers, I could find a way to get them.

• I no longer have anything in common with this person. Delete.
• Most people in this organization and I are on different wavelengths. Delete. Delete. Delete.
• These people are unkind, in general and to me. Others have already blocked them. Delete. Delete.
• For years, I’ve neither talked with nor do I have any interest in communicating with these people, who I’ve known since before the invention of the telephone. Delete. Delete.
• Do I really think they’re going to realize they were the jerks and owe me an apology? Wake up! Delete. Delete.
• These people are dead! Find another way to remember them. Delete. Delete.

And so the process began with a keen consideration about why I kept them on my list.

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As clarity came once I got into the swing of why and how to let go, it became easier to release.

Letting go was liberating. I felt empowered. 

I discovered that a part of me had been holding myself back.

Until I finished letting go of them on my list, I didn’t realize that I also deleted unconscious thoughts and feelings that I should be the person that some of them wanted me to be. I let go of ugly interactions.

Especially if I hadn’t talked with them for years and didn’t believe there’d be future contact, what was I holding onto? 

In part, I’d been holding onto memories or a vision of rewriting who we are together, that our lives hadn’t drifted in different directions.

For others, it meant that for me to have a mutually satisfying relationship with them, I’d have to be who I used to be or someone else to fit in.

That’s no longer an option, and this exercise let go of old energy to make room for me to be ME in a bigger way.

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Before computerization, I pulled out cards with contact info of people I knew when I lived on the other side of the country. I didn’t want to let them go, but we hadn’t talked because we were no longer involved with mutual activities. I secured the cards with a rubber band and filed them with other papers.

When I found the pile of cards later, I couldn’t even remember who they were.

We grow. We move on.

No longer seeing certain names so frequently helps to refocus on the now and the future instead of the past.

I often feel profound gratitude to be with friends and clients who have traveled life’s roads with me, or our paths have periodically intersected, sometimes for decades. I’ve also discovered that the caliber of these individuals is often worlds apart from those who I attracted 10, 20 or more years ago. With my current peeps, I can more fully be myself. They understand my heart and what I teach. As a result their lives, and mine because of them, have gotten better and better.

Removing those 200 contacts created space, and the universe doesn’t like a vacuum. This means I’m attracting those who are in greater energetic alignment with who I am now.

What are you willing to let go of so you can move on to bigger and better things?

P.S. Know someone who might enjoy this post? Please share.

Looking to let go of who or what
doesn’t serve you and open
to greater success?
Contact me for a complimentary
Do What You Love Break Free Session.

Email me at:
virginia@soulgoals.com

I work with people
who choose to share their gifts
or business in a BIGGER way
but don’t know how, feel stuck
or would benefit from new tools
or support.

I help them be richly compensated
doing what they love by discovering
their Soul’s goals.

 

Copyright © 2019 Soulgoals, All rights reserved.

TIP: My Staycation in Mexico

Don’t have time or money to travel? I enjoyed a trip to Mexico minutes from my home and discovered traditions and a rich culture that I never knew existed – especially meaningful in our divisive times.

Guelaguetza is a like a big party of cultural exchange. Indigenous folkloric dances and performances honor the diversity of traditions from eight distinct regions of the Mexican state of Oaxaca.

After two years of planning, this festival was proudly shared for the first time in Austin, Texas.

The audience spontaneously sang beloved songs and stood while they sang the national anthems of the United States and Mexico.

Between a couple of the performances, colorfully costumed women served mezcal, a cousin to tequila, in orange peppers that were the size of jalapeno peppers.

Another first for me, just one sip went down very warm and smooth.

When we finished the drink, we ate the pepper.

Well over 50% of Oaxaca’s population is native indigenous, compared to 20% of Mexico as a whole.

Another way of seeing this, more than half of the people come from distinctly different cultures.

As it was described to me, “these tribes gather annually to celebrate good wishes, goodwill, friendship and love between each other.”

This photo was taken as the women completed their dance. Each wore a different costume representing her region. Their headdresses represent food they brought to share. Apologies for the fuzzy picture. I thought it better for you to see it rather than not include it because it wasn’t perfect.

“This event celebrates cooperation with each other instead of war.

“Our planet is filled with people who are different. Guelaguetza acknowledges and revels in our differences.”

What a gift we’re given in our modern times to witness people who honor their differences through celebration!

Let that sink in a moment.

If other humans on our planet can co-exist, respect and honor differences, so can we.

We don’t have to be afraid of people who aren’t like us.

What if we had conversations that opened us to each other’s uniqueness?

Think what this can mean in your business and life.

Instead of feeling anxious because you don’t know somebody and don’t know what to expect because they might be different than you, enjoy the contrast.

What are your chances of creating a better business or personal relationship if you approach people in the spirit of appreciating their uniqueness?

Here’s an example of this giving spirit before the event began.

My friends and I arrived early, and I ordered a Oaxacan specialty dish from a food trailer.

Although there was no line when I ordered, it took 15 minutes to receive my food.

When my friend inquired about the delay, she reacted uncharacteristically with a disapproving tone.

I received my food and found a place in the shade to eat it.

But where were my friends?

I watched an ever growing line of people waiting for food.

When my friend saw that the guy was working by himself because he wasn’t expecting a crowd, she felt she needed to help him.

He didn’t look at the long line of people standing in the direct sun of over 100 degree heat; he wanted to cook.

But he couldn’t do it all by himself.

It was taking 15 minutes per person to receive food as people waited in the hot sun.

She didn’t ask if he wanted help as she went into the little trailer.

She told the overwhelmed, young man that she’d take orders, and he could focus on cooking.

For the next two hours, she worked in the “sauna” taking orders and managing the kitchen as family members came to help.

Her older brother stood by the side door. Instead of going to watch the performances, he cheerily said he was standing there to be entertained.

Actually, he was watching out for his sister and smoothing the emotions of the customers who questioned the wait time.

Later, when I asked why she did it, she replied.

“I had a feeling that someone had to help him. When you’re some place, there’s a reason. I felt in the moment, I need to help him. And, I enjoyed the experience of taking orders.”

She refused any payment and accepted some soda and water for us.

We had lots of laughs about it later, and no one even hinted at a word or sentiment of complaint.

Your TIP is to take inspired action by doing something you feel guided to do. Be open to allow your inner spirit to lead you… not because of duty or what you think you should do.

Let’s take it another step.

When you take action have a feeling of goodwill and appreciation in your heart.

Imagine how powerful, productive, compassionate and loving your business and personal interactions can be.

Do this often enough and you’ll feel so great that your life can be as if you’re on a perpetual vacation.

WHEN BUTTONS ARE PUSHED

 Have you noticed people’s buttons getting pushed lately? Some respond with anger, frustration or depression. Others find that finger pointing, denial and avoidance are easier than talking things through.

 Opportunities abound to deal with issues, but some prefer to ignore the elephant in the room. It would take more than new glasses to correct that vision.

 Changing perspective helps: step back emotionally and observe in a detached way. This reminds you not to take it personally. But what should you do about it?

 Ask yourself: Is there something to get out of it, something to learn? Or is the point to get out of it and leave?

 And what’s the best action to take? This depends on the circumstances. But driving yourself bonkers and making yourself wrong only leads to a dead-end street.

 A lovely woman sent me a very ugly email. She wrote about demonic forces and people we once knew. She couldn’t be friends with me anymore because I was still associated with them, even though I wasn’t for years.

 Weeks later she apologized. Because of past injustices inflicted on her by this group, her deep pain was triggered. She obviously wasn’t herself when she wrote it.

 The point? I got out of it lessons of compassion; forgiveness; grace; and not judging as people make mistakes.

The action? Let go of the past and move on. We renewed our friendship.

 A few months later she sent another email explaining how she couldn’t be my friend because of my involvement with these same people.  

 The point? Get out of it. When people create too much drama and repeat patterns that they’re not shifting, it’s often best to step back.

The action? Don’t respond. Bless the situation and relationship and let them go.

 Here are tips on what you can do when buttons are pushed. Oh well, I can honestly say I’ve learned each one by doing the opposite.

 You can choose to push the easy button instead by using the following:

1. Breathe deeply in a relaxed way.
2. Step back emotionally and observe rather than become enmeshed with the story.
3. Listen to what’s being expressed and understand their perspective.
4. Let go of a need to be heard, validated and to express your viewpoint.
5. Ask yourself that even if you don’t like it: Why is it essential that others should think the way you think they should?
6. Tune in to your gut – what do you feel is true and the best action to take?

 “Forgive them for they know not what they do.” Then take action.

 Warning: using these tips will not give you the emotional exhilaration received from feeling right; trying to fix or rescue people; feeling victimized; having your ego stroked; expressing anger; trying to control; or the comfort of familiarity from reliving your sad story.

 It will:

• Bring you peace of mind and heart
• Awaken you to greater wisdom and awareness
• Honor others even if you’re sure they’ve lost their mind
• Reclaim your time and energy to enjoy life and pursue your goals
• Bring you better results in the long run.

 My cousin just called. “Be sure to tell people that everyone needs some silly in their lives and that laughter is the best medicine.” Thanks, Sharon, for the best ideas. Don’t take things too seriously. It’s all good.