I Was Shocked When I Learned This about My Mother

My mother, who passed away 29 years ago this month, used what I call mantras –  words she repeated so many times that I still know them verbatim. Because of regular reiteration, I believed and didn’t question some of them. It was  like learning arithmetic tables, but these were impressed on me with far more feeling. “When I was young, I used to be happy-go-lucky. Then I met your father.” Because they argued intensely, she started her day with this mantra: “I wonder what that S.O.B. is going to do to make my life miserable today.”  (Note – she didn’t use initials.) Obviously, she had no idea that her daily proclamations and emotions were what made her life miserable, not anything my father did or didn’t do. She thought her suffering was my father’s fault, and I accepted it as true, too. I didn’t have an attitude about him. I liked and loved him. At the same time, I saw her perspective and believed her woeful declarations. Then about 15 years ago, I was talking to one my teachers about how I felt sorry for them. He knew my parents and replied, “Your mother wanted your father to change so she wouldn’t have to change.” What?!!?? This was a throw-a-bucket-of-cold-water-in-my-face moment. It was his fault. That was a given. Never questioned it. She lived a miserable life because of him. Here’s the kicker. As long as she complained about and blamed him, she didn’t have to take responsibility for her own emotions and actions. It was his fault. She was the victim.  Pointing her finger at what she decided were his failings absolved her of cleaning up her attitudes, feelings and thoughts. In a flash, I realized the blaming wasn’t true. She could’ve been happy if she stopped giving him power over the way she felt. In a shocking moment, for the first time,  I stopped feeling sorry for them. I realized that my pity (vs. compassion) was condescending and disrespectful of their choices. They decided how to interact with each other. They had complete control over the way they felt. If they chose to argue as a way of life, and if she chose to feel miserable, those were their decisions. As emotions create reality, she created a “living hell” for herself where she felt “like a prisoner in my own home.” Her life was a self-fulfilled prophecy. Think about the implications in your life. Who are you blaming for what doesn’t work and how you feel? Do you want others to behave the way you think they should so you can feel good? In other words, do you want others or situations  to change so you can feel happy? Or will you decide to be happy anyway? Do you let others shape your future by getting angry at strangers who drive weird, crazy acting people, politicians or past hurts? Are you blaming yourself? Or will you take command of your own energy because, if you don’t, you block your dreams coming true? What mantras run through your head? I can’t afford it. There’s never enough. What if  I run out of money? Nothing I do ever works out. My life would be so much better if only… Even if they’re “wrong,” you still can choose  your attitude and how you respond. As like attracts like, how you feel shapes your future. What does this have to do with your business or work? Your feelings and thoughts magnetize your experience, so don’t hand the keys of your  emotions to others and “if only” things would be different. Don’t give your power away. Allowing others to affect how you feel relinquishes the keys to your kingdom   – or queendom – of success, happiness  and ability to enjoy financial freedom. By the way, blame is one of ego’s greatest tools; no matter where it’s directed, it holds you back. You choose how you react and feel. Your future depends on it. “When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and argument. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change”  Thích Nhất Hạnh   Know others who’d like to take back their power? Please share this blog post.

I work with people who choose to share their gifts or business in a BIGGER way but don’t know how, feel stuck or would benefit from new tools or support. I help them ignite their Soul’s goals and be richly compensated doing what they love.

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Tags: Blaming others, Didn't want to change, Make your life miserable, Never blame the lettuce, Thích Nhất Hạnh